Ex Wives VS New Wives

GUEST BLOGGER: Kela Price, Founder of Blended Family Soap Opera

Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.

Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.

What do we do with this information?

There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?

Divorced Mom

When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?

Stepmothers

What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?

When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.

After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.

Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.

Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

Kela Price is a Certified Stepfamily Counselor and the founder of www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com

Source

Sunday Dinners

Susan, the ex-stepmother writes: My blended family life was finally well adjusted and peaceful after twenty years, then my husband and I separated five years ago. We both have new partners now. His two adult children, my steps, always had Sunday dinner with us. We carried on the tradition after our separation. Life was good until the ex and I acquired partners. The new partners (who also have children) rarely join us, and are uncomfortable with the Sunday dinner tradition even though we are now on neutral ground – my stepson’s home. To make matters more uncomfortable, my steps’ biological mother has decided to invite herself to the Sunday dinners since they are now on neutral ground. Neither my ex or I like the woman.

Do you think it is possible for us to continue the Sunday dinner tradition? Will some just have to be excluded? I am loath to end family ties, but want to move on with my new relationships. Only one of my stepchildren is willing to come to my new home and have a relationship with my new partner. I am beginning to think it impossible to have my cake and eat it too – at least at the family Sunday dinner.

Writing this out highlights how complicated it all has become. I think we have reached the point where it cannot be worked out. We have to choose which relationships to continue because we cannot continue them all.

Thank you for any insights or suggestions you may have.

Chuck and Jae reply: Congratulations on having successfully navigated the sometimes rough waters of the blended family for all those years. The fact that your stepchildren have chose to continue the tradition of having Sunday dinners together with you, even after the separation, says a lot about the quality of your relationships with them.

If we understand you correctly, the current arrangement for this gathering involves just you, your ex-spouse and the mother of your stepchildren. Neither of your new partners attend, and neither of you enjoy the company of your stepchildren’s mother. To add to your discomfort, only one of your stepchildren is willing to spend time in your new home with you and your current partner.

We agree that the Sunday dinner arrangement should be discontinued. That does not mean that you have to end your long-term relationships with your stepchildren. You obviously mean very much to them. We recommend you tactfully let them know that you plan to discontinue attending the Sunday dinners, because you would like to spend that time with your new family. We think they would understand that reasoning, and it may relieve them of some of the awkwardness they themselves probably have been feeling. Also, please remember that their discomfort is not necessarily about you, but more likely their reaction to all the changes that have taken place.

We also recommend you inform them that you want to continue your relationship with them, albeit on a different basis. Perhaps you can meet with them for dinner or lunch (just the three of you) and talk about how you might do that. For example, you could arrange for a specific time and place to meet as a trio on a regular basis. At some future point, if the relationship continues, circumstances could evolve to where both of them are comfortable with your present partner. If that should occur, you could then establish newer traditions for family gatherings that would include them and your family. If not, you could continue to maintain contact with them in a variety of different scenarios.

Obviously, as you have already noted, they will each choose for themselves whether and how they wish to relate to you.

Source: remarriagemag.com

Are You A Good Step Parent?

Being A Good Step-Parent, Hard But Not Impossible

- When marrying into an already-established family, how can you get your new spouse's kids to like you, without being a pushover?


Sometimes we forget that there are other people involved when a couple gets divorced, especially if that couple has kids. When one member of that couple remarries, there gets introduced into everyone's life something completely different than what existed before, which can't be easy on anyone.

I have a friend who just recently became a stepmother. It can be a hard job - you don't want to encroach on boundaries; you want to get close but not invade privacies. The do's and dont's of step-parenting are hard to pin down: how do you know what to do? Should you discipline them? Spoil them? Neither? Both?

I asked around. According to the step-parents I know, it's important - at the very beginning - to be neither the child's best friend, nor their worst enemy. You are not that child's parent. Assuming you dated your spouse for awhile, and the child has gotten to know you, there's nothing wrong with kind trivialties, but know that a marriage to someone does not create a magical step-child/step-parent relationship overnight.

The most difficult thing is that you constantly feel like you are not the most important thing in your spouse's life, their child is. That can put a damper on things. What happens if you get into a disagreement? What happens if THEY get into a disagreement? The possible problems are endless, but so are the possible solutions.

A friend of mine whose blog I read every day often writes about how her family consisted of one mother and one father and some siblings, and now she has two mothers, two fathers, and even more siblings. Her parents got divorced and each remarried - each to someone with kids. The idea of "one big happy family" doesn't have to be a myth. It can happen, if you know your place.

My advice? Use your spouse as a guide. See how he/she feels your place in their child's life should progress. That way, you'll know that you're never stepping on toes.

(Is anyone here a step-parent? Share your story with us, and give hope to other would-be or soon-to-be step-parents that happiness isn't impossible!)

Found this at d360.com

Stepmoms & Moms

Found this great piece over at Stepmothers Milk:

Guest Blogger: Laura Allard of Stepmoms Rock

And now for a perspective shift… Moms dealing with the Step Mom of their children…

Important Note: There are a lot of things at play here, not the least of which is going to be the dispositions of the Mom and Step Mom in question. This post is written with the hope of reaching the hearts of both women while encouraging the idea of working from a place of love and compassion for all involved.

For Moms out there looking for ideas on how to manage a decent and respectful relationship with the Step Mom of your children, the new wife of your ex husband, please do keep this in mind…however you choose to behave and whatever course of action you decide to embark upon, the people who are going to be affected the most are the little ones with small voices…your own precious and adoring children.

This is truly where separation of relationships is key. And of course, there are many different scenarios and reasons for why you are all in the situation you’re in, however, at the end of the day, the adults in this mess should be able to practice a high level of self management and understand that they have to make the best of things while the children still do play an integral role in all your lives.

Marriages end. And new ones begin. Each situation offers the opportunity for new beginnings.

Step Moms…it is incumbent upon us to understand the perspective of the Mom of your new Step Kids (insert gasp), however, make no mistake, just because her bad behavior might be understandable does not mean it is acceptable. At the end of the day, she gets why her marriage failed, she just may not be ready to face the realities of her husband’s new marriage because, well, it stings, and reminds her of what she perceives to be a huge failure in her life. Give her the benefit of the doubt, acting from a place of compassion and keeping the best interest of your new family in mind. You aren’t going to have to contend with her for a lifetime as the distance between you progressively gets larger as the kids grow and wander. Cut her a little slack.

Remember…. she is a woman with a bit of a broken heart who needs time to mend and find her own way…this can go on for years, but it is her own life she is making miserable by not taking the opportunity she has been granted for a little reinvention. It’s a sad state really, for women who remain bitter and cannot move past their divorces, but their choice just the same, so don’t bear their burden, OK?

Moms… you are and forever more will remain the core of your children’s lives. Don’t play with their tender little hearts by waging war on a situation they are going to have challenges navigating through themselves. Your ex-husband’s new wife came along far after the problems in your marriage began. If you need to take someone to task for the situation at hand, dole out the blame equally between your husband, and yourself…just do it out of ear shot of your children. Don’t forget, they have been witness to the demise of your marriage, offer them a little peace and quiet by keeping them out of the line of fire. AND, and this is a big AND, as tough as it might seem, each and every day offers you the opportunity for a new start.

Remember the line from Mama Mia, “Time for a little repair and renovation…”

Make this your new mantra and spend some time doing what’s right for YOU now. Your kids will be so proud to see Mom in a new light, Happy Mom, Surviving Mom….all you have to do is make the choice to make it so. This choice will make it so much easier for you to manage this new level of relationships in your life. You’ll have greater confidence in yourself and it will show in all you do! Take advantage of this time to heal, to reclaim YOU and have a blast doing it…that’s the best possible way to figure out how to handle the new Step Mom of your kids…by being the best YOU you can be!

To both Women…. Just Be Nice. Seriously. Your behavior sets a standard the kids you now share will aspire to…good or bad…consider what you want them to take away from all this, and act accordingly. Be good to one another.

Laura Allard, creator of the Blog Step Moms Rock and the soon to be released line of cards for Step Families “StepSpeak” . Laura is in her 8th year as a Step Mom of 3 and 12th year as a Step Daughter… aka DOFM (Daughter of the First Marriage). Laura’s perspective in this big old mess comes from a place of love, compassion, and empowerment, hoping to reach the heart and soul of the Single Girl turned New Step Mom before she loses her mind.