Ex Is TOO Involved.....Help?

What Can I Do to Stop My Husband's Ex-Wife from Coming Between Me and His Son?


By LISA COHN


Dear Lisa:

My husband has two children from a previous marriage. We now have custody of one of them, his son. His son and I are extremely close, and his ex-wife hates this. She will do anything to stop this, including lie to her children about me. I feel so alone at times because I feel that his ex runs the show. My husband gives in to her every whim because he doesn’t want to cause friction. On the one hand, I can see where he is coming from. However, when she is interfering with my personal life, I wish he would stick up for me more. That hurts me the most. She will call and say the stupidest things because she knows she can get to me. She leaves nasty, vile messages on my cell phone. I just can’t ignore it anymore when she is berating me and putting me down in front of my stepson.

I have such a great relationship with my stepson, and I am scared of her coming between us. He is young and very impressionable. We try to limit their conversations, because we feel she only makes things harder for him. She is trying to use that in a custody case now (She is trying to change our custody arrangement). Usually his conversations with her end with him crying. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Keep reading here on d360

Ex Wives VS New Wives

GUEST BLOGGER: Kela Price, Founder of Blended Family Soap Opera

Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.

Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.

What do we do with this information?

There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?

Divorced Mom

When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?

Stepmothers

What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?

When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.

After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.

Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.

Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

Kela Price is a Certified Stepfamily Counselor and the founder of www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com

Source

Ex Remarrys. What Are Your Rights?

Angie writes: I just have a few questions regarding my ex-husband’s remarriage. I feel that it is important to know that I do, normally, get along great with my ex-husband, and I am, well, was happy that he was remarrying and that the woman was nice to my girls. However, a wedding invitation was sent to my girls at our home; they reside with me. I was helping them choose the dinner that they would be enjoying at the reception. I glanced at the invitation, and to my utter shock, the date of the wedding is my eleven year old daughter’s birthday.

I immediately grabbed the phone (my daughter was at her friend’s house), and called my ex. I first made light conversation about the meal selections, debating whether I was even going to go there! However, I thought of my daughter and blatently asked him “Whose brilliant idea was it to get married on her birthday?” Noting, they are getting married on March 12 at the JP’s office with their 7 month old twins (my girls’ half-sisters), and her parents; my daughters are not invited to the private wedding ceremony and I had to explain that to them. He gave a million excuses, blah, blah, and I told him “hey, whatever, but it seems really insensitive to me, and absolutely wrong, but I understand that you have your logic, so whatever.”

Is this practice of getting married (wedding is in two months, JP office open most days) on my daughter’s birthday acceptable? And, is it common practice to exclude the groom’s 10 and 11 years olds from the private ceremony? My oldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, and just loved his fiancee, and she is really hurting because of this. She doesn’t openly display this, but when she and I were alone, I told her that I found out (she wouldn’t tell me) about the birthday/wedding bullcrap. I asked her if she was okay with that, and she is not. She is wondering why they did that, and I don’t know what to say. I just told her that when she has feelings like this, and if she hurting, that if I can’t help her myself, that I would get her counseling or she can call on my sister, or people close to her when she is feeling sad.

While speaking with my ex (very brief conversation), he said that he can’t believe that I even commented on his wedding date. I left him nine years ago, for no other reason than we were very incompatible and I couldn’t stand him - noting this because this could come off as jealousy. I am just concerned for my daughter, and wonder if this issue is one in which I can say that it is totally inappropriate for this to occur on her birthday and not look like an idiot. I just can’t believe that this would be happening. And now, my daughter said that his fiancee knew her actual birthdate, so it’s hard not to wonder if the fiancee didn’t plan this to hurt my daughter.

Please get back to me as soon as possible. My daughter is not one to share her feelings, but she asked me to take the long way home last night when I spoke to her about this issue. Tears filled her eyes, and I just told her that if the date is not changed, that life will have to go on, but somehow she will be stronger by getting through it, and every step of the way, she can let me know what she needs, or if she needs to talk to someone, or see a counselor for tools to deal with this. I just think that people are just brushing this off as oh well, what’s the big deal–she’s eleven, and now has seen the other part of her life, at her dad’s, turn into a hurting situation. She loves going there, and now I just see this wave of sadness when she thinks of her dad. She does not know how to handle the confusion, and the questions she has, well, I really feel that he should deal with them.

Also, one more question. If this is totally unacceptable, would it be absurd of me to insist on another date and that they be included in the private ceremony? Would it be distasteful for me to say that if they are not included in the private family wedding ceremony, then I am not sending them to the reception either? I will not let my girls be thrown to the wolves. So what rights am I entitled to as far as even speaking about their wedding?

Chuck and Jae reply: Let’s start with your final question. Yes, it would not be a good idea for you to insist on another wedding date and that your daughters be included in the private ceremony. Moreover, you would be doing your daughters a great disservice, as well as causing potentially serious damage to their relationship with their father and his fiancee, by not allowing them to attend the wedding reception. We assure you, letting them attend will not be “throwing them to the wolves.” It’s not about your “rights,” or “entitlement” - it’s more about what would be best for your daughters.

You didn’t mention what his reasoning was for choosing that particular date or why he chose not to invite the girls to the private ceremony. If you were not satisfied with his explanations, we would recommend the next step be that you encourage your daughters to take up both subjects with him. The main objective would be for them to let him know that they are having some feelings about his decision. Then they should be prepared to accept his response. We don’t believe that this situation, however disappointing to you and to your daughters, merits the kind of response you are suggesting.

Your letter indicates that your daughters have a very good relationship with their father’s fiancee; therefore, we can’t imagine the fiancee deliberately trying to hurt your oldest daughter in this fashion. On the other hand, it is important for the future of their relationship, as the girls go through the critical adolescent years, that this ceremony not be marred by a major conflict if it can be avoided. We believe it is very important for divorced parents not to be disparaging of each other to their children. This confuses them and puts them in loyalty binds. Under normal conditions (unless the situation is particularly egregious, such as abuse, etc.), we think it best that the children be encouraged to express their feelings directly to their parent. This would be much more effective and will minimize the appearance of the other parent using the children as a pretext for expressing his or her own agenda.

Your desire to protect your daughters from harm is praiseworthy. You must be careful, however, not to inadvertently deny them opportunities to learn to speak up for themselves and to directly influence the satisfaction of their needs.

Forgive us if we have misinterpreted the tone of your letter, but it suggests to us that you have a lot of anger toward your ex-spouse. For your sake, as well as your daughters, we recommend you take a look at that anger and try to find a way to resolve that.


Found this over at www.remarriagemag.com

Rights, Ex's & Remarriage

What are My Rights When My Ex Remarries?
Angie writes: I just have a few questions regarding my ex-husband’s remarriage. I feel that it is important to know that I do, normally, get along great with my ex-husband, and I am, well, was happy that he was remarrying and that the woman was nice to my girls. However, a wedding invitation was sent to my girls at our home; they reside with me. I was helping them choose the dinner that they would be enjoying at the reception. I glanced at the invitation, and to my utter shock, the date of the wedding is my eleven year old daughter’s birthday.

I immediately grabbed the phone (my daughter was at her friend’s house), and called my ex. I first made light conversation about the meal selections, debating whether I was even going to go there! However, I thought of my daughter and blatently asked him “Whose brilliant idea was it to get married on her birthday?” Noting, they are getting married on March 12 at the JP’s office with their 7 month old twins (my girls’ half-sisters), and her parents; my daughters are not invited to the private wedding ceremony and I had to explain that to them. He gave a million excuses, blah, blah, and I told him “hey, whatever, but it seems really insensitive to me, and absolutely wrong, but I understand that you have your logic, so whatever.”

Is this practice of getting married (wedding is in two months, JP office open most days) on my daughter’s birthday acceptable? And, is it common practice to exclude the groom’s 10 and 11 years olds from the private ceremony? My oldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, and just loved his fiancee, and she is really hurting because of this. She doesn’t openly display this, but when she and I were alone, I told her that I found out (she wouldn’t tell me) about the birthday/wedding bullcrap. I asked her if she was okay with that, and she is not. She is wondering why they did that, and I don’t know what to say. I just told her that when she has feelings like this, and if she hurting, that if I can’t help her myself, that I would get her counseling or she can call on my sister, or people close to her when she is feeling sad.

While speaking with my ex (very brief conversation), he said that he can’t believe that I even commented on his wedding date. I left him nine years ago, for no other reason than we were very incompatible and I couldn’t stand him - noting this because this could come off as jealousy. I am just concerned for my daughter, and wonder if this issue is one in which I can say that it is totally inappropriate for this to occur on her birthday and not look like an idiot. I just can’t believe that this would be happening. And now, my daughter said that his fiancee knew her actual birthdate, so it’s hard not to wonder if the fiancee didn’t plan this to hurt my daughter.

Please get back to me as soon as possible. My daughter is not one to share her feelings, but she asked me to take the long way home last night when I spoke to her about this issue. Tears filled her eyes, and I just told her that if the date is not changed, that life will have to go on, but somehow she will be stronger by getting through it, and every step of the way, she can let me know what she needs, or if she needs to talk to someone, or see a counselor for tools to deal with this. I just think that people are just brushing this off as oh well, what’s the big deal–she’s eleven, and now has seen the other part of her life, at her dad’s, turn into a hurting situation. She loves going there, and now I just see this wave of sadness when she thinks of her dad. She does not know how to handle the confusion, and the questions she has, well, I really feel that he should deal with them.

Also, one more question. If this is totally unacceptable, would it be absurd of me to insist on another date and that they be included in the private ceremony? Would it be distasteful for me to say that if they are not included in the private family wedding ceremony, then I am not sending them to the reception either? I will not let my girls be thrown to the wolves. So what rights am I entitled to as far as even speaking about their wedding?

Chuck and Jae reply: Let’s start with your final question. Yes, it would not be a good idea for you to insist on another wedding date and that your daughters be included in the private ceremony. Moreover, you would be doing your daughters a great disservice, as well as causing potentially serious damage to their relationship with their father and his fiancee, by not allowing them to attend the wedding reception. We assure you, letting them attend will not be “throwing them to the wolves.” It’s not about your “rights,” or “entitlement” - it’s more about what would be best for your daughters.

You didn’t mention what his reasoning was for choosing that particular date or why he chose not to invite the girls to the private ceremony. If you were not satisfied with his explanations, we would recommend the next step be that you encourage your daughters to take up both subjects with him. The main objective would be for them to let him know that they are having some feelings about his decision. Then they should be prepared to accept his response. We don’t believe that this situation, however disappointing to you and to your daughters, merits the kind of response you are suggesting.

Your letter indicates that your daughters have a very good relationship with their father’s fiancee; therefore, we can’t imagine the fiancee deliberately trying to hurt your oldest daughter in this fashion. On the other hand, it is important for the future of their relationship, as the girls go through the critical adolescent years, that this ceremony not be marred by a major conflict if it can be avoided. We believe it is very important for divorced parents not to be disparaging of each other to their children. This confuses them and puts them in loyalty binds. Under normal conditions (unless the situation is particularly egregious, such as abuse, etc.), we think it best that the children be encouraged to express their feelings directly to their parent. This would be much more effective and will minimize the appearance of the other parent using the children as a pretext for expressing his or her own agenda.

Your desire to protect your daughters from harm is praiseworthy. You must be careful, however, not to inadvertently deny them opportunities to learn to speak up for themselves and to directly influence the satisfaction of their needs.

Forgive us if we have misinterpreted the tone of your letter, but it suggests to us that you have a lot of anger toward your ex-spouse. For your sake, as well as your daughters, we recommend you take a look at that anger and try to find a way to resolve that.

Found at remarriagemag.com