Becoming A Stepmom 101

Wicked stepmothers dominate fairy tales. Manipulative stepmoms spice up movie plots. And media stories often highlight stepmoms gone bad.

By Rebecca Nappi

The Spokesman-Review, Spokane, Wash

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Janice Marich's future husband, Douglas, made this clear while they were dating: He was a package deal.

The other part of the package? His young daughter, Elizabeth.

She embraced it all, and now, 20 years into her marriage with Douglas, she can't imagine a life without Elizabeth Thomas, now 30; Elizabeth's husband, Nicholas; and their three children, Sadie, 7, Emma, 5, and Nathan, 1.

"She gave me a family," Marich said. "She gave me grandchildren."

Successful stepmoms like Marich aren't all that rare in our society, but you'd never know it.

Wicked stepmothers dominate fairy tales. Manipulative stepmoms spice up movie plots. And media stories often highlight stepmoms gone bad.

In Portland, Terri Horman, the stepmother of missing 7-year-old Kyron, is under suspicion in the boy's June 4 disappearance. Even before suspicious revelations about her surfaced, website commenters had convicted Horman of the crime.

"Follow the stepmom!" one wrote in a typical sentiment on a CBS website. "Too often this is how these stories end up."

But in reality, stories involving stepmoms usually don't end in tragedy, though the stepmother-stepchildren relationship is filled with emotional and psychological land mines.

A University of North Carolina School of Social Work report examining dozens of stepmother studies showed that being a stepmom is more difficult than being a stepdad, and stepmothers also experience more anxiety and depression.

Plus, stepmoms carry this extraordinary burden: The quality of stepmother-stepchildren relationship is the major predictor of family adjustment in remarried families, according to the report.

With that pressure, how does any stepmom get it right? Well, many do. And successful stepmothers have several things in common, including:


Diana Hornbogen, a marriage and family therapist at St. Joseph Family Center in Spokane and a stepmother herself, does seminars on blended families.

"The whole myth of instant love is a big setup," she says. "Kids are going to be indifferent. They don't know this woman from Adam."

Elizabeth was 10 when Marich came into her life. She lived with her mom two hours away, and she spent every other weekend with her dad and Marich.

Douglas' work schedule precluded him from picking up Elizabeth; Marich volunteered.

In those rides, "we established a bond," Marich said.

Elizabeth said the bond also evolved during bedtime talks.

"I remember lying on the bed together and chatting," she said. "I felt like I could talk to her about anything. For me, that was really meaningful.

"It was difficult to have divorced parents. My mother was busy in her own life, and we didn't have that intimate time to just talk about whatever."

Hornbogen advises stepmoms: "Don't jump in too quickly. You are not obligated to love the kids, and they are not obligated to love you.

"Be friends first. It may take a long time — if ever — to develop real love for one another."

Marich made it clear from the beginning that she wasn't there to replace Elizabeth's mother. She and Douglas even invited Elizabeth's mom to extended-family gatherings.

Stepmothers often walk into families deep in grief, Hornbogen pointed out. In some families, the biological mother has died. In most, the mother and father have divorced.

In her parenting-children -of-divorce classes "we talk about a divorce being a death," Hornbogen said.

"For the husband and wife, it's the death of a relationship. For the kids, it's the death of a family as they knew it."

Stepmothers who hope by stepping into a "supermom" role — or who try to replace the biological mother — exacerbate the grief.

The best help is to listen without judgment when the children open up, the experts say.

On one occasion, Marich said to Elizabeth: "It's OK if you want your parents to get back together."

This acknowledged Elizabeth's feelings about her parents. Reunification is a common desire for many children of divorce.

"In divorced families, you hear a lot of negative talk about the other (parent)," Elizabeth said. "Janice never, ever spoke badly about my mom. So I never felt like I had to take sides."

"When dad was single, divorced or widowed, his times with his kids were spent one-on-one," Hornbogen said. "Now, there's competition. The kids have to share daddy's attention."

"We always gave Elizabeth dad and daughter time," Marich said. "I was not there to put a wedge in her relationship with him."

Elizabeth remembered: "Dad always likes to go for country rides in the car. A lot of times Janice said, 'You two go ahead and have some time together.'

"For me, it felt like I could talk to my dad with privacy. It was awesome she offered that. Even now, she'll say, 'Why don't you and dad go shopping together and I'll stay back.' It's essential to make sure the child feels important in their parent's life and heart."

Marich was determined from the beginning to be a good stepmother, because she experienced firsthand the sadness that can arise in tense stepparenting relationships.

Her mom lost her own mother at age 3. The father didn't remarry until Marich's mother was in her 20s, but Marich's mother never overcame her resentment.

If people thought the stepmother was her mother, she quickly corrected them with a stern: "She's my stepmother!"

Marich's great hope was for Elizabeth never to feel that same tension about her. She hasn't.

A Spokane County United Way vice president for community relations, Marich has also been involved in the Our Kids: Our Business campaign for four years.

The Our Kids initiative stresses that the more people who love children, the better. Stepmoms, if they understand the unique challenges of step-mothering — negative cultural stereotyping most of all — can make a huge difference.

"When you have an opportunity to love, do," Marich said.

Source: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2012569662_stepmoms09.html

Co-Parenting Jerks?

Can You Get Along With The Ex For Your Kids?


By NANCY PERRY


Q: How am I supposed to co-parent with this jerk?

A: For starters, quit calling him or her a jerk. So here you are, divorced from this person whom you married and fully intended to live with happily every after. Turns out, this person is less that what you expected. To make matters worse, you had a child or children with this person. Now you’re stuck with each other for the rest of your lives. It will surely be a long, grueling life if you choose to live it full of anger and resentment towards your ex-spouse.

Keep reading here

Ex Remarrys. What Are Your Rights?

Angie writes: I just have a few questions regarding my ex-husband’s remarriage. I feel that it is important to know that I do, normally, get along great with my ex-husband, and I am, well, was happy that he was remarrying and that the woman was nice to my girls. However, a wedding invitation was sent to my girls at our home; they reside with me. I was helping them choose the dinner that they would be enjoying at the reception. I glanced at the invitation, and to my utter shock, the date of the wedding is my eleven year old daughter’s birthday.

I immediately grabbed the phone (my daughter was at her friend’s house), and called my ex. I first made light conversation about the meal selections, debating whether I was even going to go there! However, I thought of my daughter and blatently asked him “Whose brilliant idea was it to get married on her birthday?” Noting, they are getting married on March 12 at the JP’s office with their 7 month old twins (my girls’ half-sisters), and her parents; my daughters are not invited to the private wedding ceremony and I had to explain that to them. He gave a million excuses, blah, blah, and I told him “hey, whatever, but it seems really insensitive to me, and absolutely wrong, but I understand that you have your logic, so whatever.”

Is this practice of getting married (wedding is in two months, JP office open most days) on my daughter’s birthday acceptable? And, is it common practice to exclude the groom’s 10 and 11 years olds from the private ceremony? My oldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, and just loved his fiancee, and she is really hurting because of this. She doesn’t openly display this, but when she and I were alone, I told her that I found out (she wouldn’t tell me) about the birthday/wedding bullcrap. I asked her if she was okay with that, and she is not. She is wondering why they did that, and I don’t know what to say. I just told her that when she has feelings like this, and if she hurting, that if I can’t help her myself, that I would get her counseling or she can call on my sister, or people close to her when she is feeling sad.

While speaking with my ex (very brief conversation), he said that he can’t believe that I even commented on his wedding date. I left him nine years ago, for no other reason than we were very incompatible and I couldn’t stand him - noting this because this could come off as jealousy. I am just concerned for my daughter, and wonder if this issue is one in which I can say that it is totally inappropriate for this to occur on her birthday and not look like an idiot. I just can’t believe that this would be happening. And now, my daughter said that his fiancee knew her actual birthdate, so it’s hard not to wonder if the fiancee didn’t plan this to hurt my daughter.

Please get back to me as soon as possible. My daughter is not one to share her feelings, but she asked me to take the long way home last night when I spoke to her about this issue. Tears filled her eyes, and I just told her that if the date is not changed, that life will have to go on, but somehow she will be stronger by getting through it, and every step of the way, she can let me know what she needs, or if she needs to talk to someone, or see a counselor for tools to deal with this. I just think that people are just brushing this off as oh well, what’s the big deal–she’s eleven, and now has seen the other part of her life, at her dad’s, turn into a hurting situation. She loves going there, and now I just see this wave of sadness when she thinks of her dad. She does not know how to handle the confusion, and the questions she has, well, I really feel that he should deal with them.

Also, one more question. If this is totally unacceptable, would it be absurd of me to insist on another date and that they be included in the private ceremony? Would it be distasteful for me to say that if they are not included in the private family wedding ceremony, then I am not sending them to the reception either? I will not let my girls be thrown to the wolves. So what rights am I entitled to as far as even speaking about their wedding?

Chuck and Jae reply: Let’s start with your final question. Yes, it would not be a good idea for you to insist on another wedding date and that your daughters be included in the private ceremony. Moreover, you would be doing your daughters a great disservice, as well as causing potentially serious damage to their relationship with their father and his fiancee, by not allowing them to attend the wedding reception. We assure you, letting them attend will not be “throwing them to the wolves.” It’s not about your “rights,” or “entitlement” - it’s more about what would be best for your daughters.

You didn’t mention what his reasoning was for choosing that particular date or why he chose not to invite the girls to the private ceremony. If you were not satisfied with his explanations, we would recommend the next step be that you encourage your daughters to take up both subjects with him. The main objective would be for them to let him know that they are having some feelings about his decision. Then they should be prepared to accept his response. We don’t believe that this situation, however disappointing to you and to your daughters, merits the kind of response you are suggesting.

Your letter indicates that your daughters have a very good relationship with their father’s fiancee; therefore, we can’t imagine the fiancee deliberately trying to hurt your oldest daughter in this fashion. On the other hand, it is important for the future of their relationship, as the girls go through the critical adolescent years, that this ceremony not be marred by a major conflict if it can be avoided. We believe it is very important for divorced parents not to be disparaging of each other to their children. This confuses them and puts them in loyalty binds. Under normal conditions (unless the situation is particularly egregious, such as abuse, etc.), we think it best that the children be encouraged to express their feelings directly to their parent. This would be much more effective and will minimize the appearance of the other parent using the children as a pretext for expressing his or her own agenda.

Your desire to protect your daughters from harm is praiseworthy. You must be careful, however, not to inadvertently deny them opportunities to learn to speak up for themselves and to directly influence the satisfaction of their needs.

Forgive us if we have misinterpreted the tone of your letter, but it suggests to us that you have a lot of anger toward your ex-spouse. For your sake, as well as your daughters, we recommend you take a look at that anger and try to find a way to resolve that.


Found this over at www.remarriagemag.com

The Co-Parenting Issue

Co-Parenting: Nationwide Effort Would Force Parents to Share Responsibility


By VICTOR GRETO


When Doug Richardson remarried, he waited nearly a decade before having a child. "We got married under the agreement we'd have no kids," says Richardson, 42, of Essexville, Mich. "But my wife is 10 years younger than myself. I didn't want to shortchange her because of my own experience."

That experience, which began when he was 19 and married his pregnant girlfriend, got even worse in 1991 when Richardson divorced her, and took a nightmarish journey through the court system. He ended up paying tens of thousands of dollars in child support and health insurance, and then never seeing his two children. "For the first 16 years I buried it so deep, along the lines of a rape victim," Richardson said. "It hit me when my child was born (to his second wife), about what was really taken from me."


Angry and bewildered fathers who want more rights after they divorce – to either right the wrongs of paternity fraud, or to be awarded equal or shared parenting with their children – have been fighting back through high-profile court cases, founding shared parenting organizations and lobbying extensively for new laws.




Shared parenting assumes that both parents will be awarded joint custody, unless other factors (proven abuse or domestic violence) weigh against it. "It is the case that there's a growing awareness of the injustices in the system," says Ronald K. Henry, co-founder of the Calvert Institute for Policy Research, and who has argued and written papers for decades arguing for shared parenting rights.


Keep reading here at d360

Dad's Dating, Ex Is Angry

What Should I Do to Help Partner with Former Spouse Who Blames Me?


By LISA COHN


Dear Lisa:

I have listened to your Stepfamily Talk Radio website, read many books about how I should conduct myself and act...but I desperately would like/need your advice. I'm 30 years old and dating a dad who is 35. We’re very lucky to have found each other, but a great deal of turmoil exists in our lives.

keep reading here

Kind Of Don't Like Your Step Kids?

Step Kids Under Your Skin?
One challenge that many step parents face but few will admit is that they do not like one or more of their stepchildren. They love their partner, they love their kids, and they find themselves particularly challenged by the behaviors of their step kids.



When a stepmom presents this problem to me, the first thing I do is "get" her on how frustrating and irritating the situation is for her. We explore all her feelings around it and get a sense for what's really getting under her skin in relationship to the child that is not "hers".

After doing some emotional "excavating", we then shift the focus to look at the ways the child is a gift in her life. We explore what this child is there to teach her and show her about herself.

The easiest way to receive the gift that is in front of you is to ask yourself what life was like for you at that child's particular age. What were you going through? What did you need from a parental figure at that time? What were the messages you received about how to be a good kid at that time?

So often we focus on someone outside ourselves, thinking that they are the problem and that they need to change in order for us to be happy. The truth is that who they are and how they behave is really their business, and the only thing we have control over is how we choose to respond to what is in front of us.

If we tell ourselves that the child is mean, rude, disrespectful, and inappropriate, that is what we will see and react to. If we tell ourselves that the child is hurting, scared, lonely, and sad, we tend to be more empathetic and understanding, and possibly even loving, as we support them in working through what's not right in their life.



Wishing you and your blended family
all the best
in 2010

Emily Bouchard, founder,
www.Blended-Families.com

Rights, Ex's & Remarriage

What are My Rights When My Ex Remarries?
Angie writes: I just have a few questions regarding my ex-husband’s remarriage. I feel that it is important to know that I do, normally, get along great with my ex-husband, and I am, well, was happy that he was remarrying and that the woman was nice to my girls. However, a wedding invitation was sent to my girls at our home; they reside with me. I was helping them choose the dinner that they would be enjoying at the reception. I glanced at the invitation, and to my utter shock, the date of the wedding is my eleven year old daughter’s birthday.

I immediately grabbed the phone (my daughter was at her friend’s house), and called my ex. I first made light conversation about the meal selections, debating whether I was even going to go there! However, I thought of my daughter and blatently asked him “Whose brilliant idea was it to get married on her birthday?” Noting, they are getting married on March 12 at the JP’s office with their 7 month old twins (my girls’ half-sisters), and her parents; my daughters are not invited to the private wedding ceremony and I had to explain that to them. He gave a million excuses, blah, blah, and I told him “hey, whatever, but it seems really insensitive to me, and absolutely wrong, but I understand that you have your logic, so whatever.”

Is this practice of getting married (wedding is in two months, JP office open most days) on my daughter’s birthday acceptable? And, is it common practice to exclude the groom’s 10 and 11 years olds from the private ceremony? My oldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, and just loved his fiancee, and she is really hurting because of this. She doesn’t openly display this, but when she and I were alone, I told her that I found out (she wouldn’t tell me) about the birthday/wedding bullcrap. I asked her if she was okay with that, and she is not. She is wondering why they did that, and I don’t know what to say. I just told her that when she has feelings like this, and if she hurting, that if I can’t help her myself, that I would get her counseling or she can call on my sister, or people close to her when she is feeling sad.

While speaking with my ex (very brief conversation), he said that he can’t believe that I even commented on his wedding date. I left him nine years ago, for no other reason than we were very incompatible and I couldn’t stand him - noting this because this could come off as jealousy. I am just concerned for my daughter, and wonder if this issue is one in which I can say that it is totally inappropriate for this to occur on her birthday and not look like an idiot. I just can’t believe that this would be happening. And now, my daughter said that his fiancee knew her actual birthdate, so it’s hard not to wonder if the fiancee didn’t plan this to hurt my daughter.

Please get back to me as soon as possible. My daughter is not one to share her feelings, but she asked me to take the long way home last night when I spoke to her about this issue. Tears filled her eyes, and I just told her that if the date is not changed, that life will have to go on, but somehow she will be stronger by getting through it, and every step of the way, she can let me know what she needs, or if she needs to talk to someone, or see a counselor for tools to deal with this. I just think that people are just brushing this off as oh well, what’s the big deal–she’s eleven, and now has seen the other part of her life, at her dad’s, turn into a hurting situation. She loves going there, and now I just see this wave of sadness when she thinks of her dad. She does not know how to handle the confusion, and the questions she has, well, I really feel that he should deal with them.

Also, one more question. If this is totally unacceptable, would it be absurd of me to insist on another date and that they be included in the private ceremony? Would it be distasteful for me to say that if they are not included in the private family wedding ceremony, then I am not sending them to the reception either? I will not let my girls be thrown to the wolves. So what rights am I entitled to as far as even speaking about their wedding?

Chuck and Jae reply: Let’s start with your final question. Yes, it would not be a good idea for you to insist on another wedding date and that your daughters be included in the private ceremony. Moreover, you would be doing your daughters a great disservice, as well as causing potentially serious damage to their relationship with their father and his fiancee, by not allowing them to attend the wedding reception. We assure you, letting them attend will not be “throwing them to the wolves.” It’s not about your “rights,” or “entitlement” - it’s more about what would be best for your daughters.

You didn’t mention what his reasoning was for choosing that particular date or why he chose not to invite the girls to the private ceremony. If you were not satisfied with his explanations, we would recommend the next step be that you encourage your daughters to take up both subjects with him. The main objective would be for them to let him know that they are having some feelings about his decision. Then they should be prepared to accept his response. We don’t believe that this situation, however disappointing to you and to your daughters, merits the kind of response you are suggesting.

Your letter indicates that your daughters have a very good relationship with their father’s fiancee; therefore, we can’t imagine the fiancee deliberately trying to hurt your oldest daughter in this fashion. On the other hand, it is important for the future of their relationship, as the girls go through the critical adolescent years, that this ceremony not be marred by a major conflict if it can be avoided. We believe it is very important for divorced parents not to be disparaging of each other to their children. This confuses them and puts them in loyalty binds. Under normal conditions (unless the situation is particularly egregious, such as abuse, etc.), we think it best that the children be encouraged to express their feelings directly to their parent. This would be much more effective and will minimize the appearance of the other parent using the children as a pretext for expressing his or her own agenda.

Your desire to protect your daughters from harm is praiseworthy. You must be careful, however, not to inadvertently deny them opportunities to learn to speak up for themselves and to directly influence the satisfaction of their needs.

Forgive us if we have misinterpreted the tone of your letter, but it suggests to us that you have a lot of anger toward your ex-spouse. For your sake, as well as your daughters, we recommend you take a look at that anger and try to find a way to resolve that.

Found at remarriagemag.com

Dad on Drugs. What To Tell The Kids?

Stepfamilies: What Can I Do for My Son who Hasn't Seen his Birth Father?


By LISA COHN


Dear Lisa:

My 9-year-old son has not seen his biological father in a year because his father started taking drugs. My son sometimes cries about this and my new husband, his stepfather, thinks that my son is just being manipulative. He (the stepfather) also does not spend much time with my son and my son feels ignored and sometimes says he does not feel like he is important. The stepfather does spend a lot of time with his 12-year-old daughter and we have all blended very well, except for my new husband.

Keep reading here on d360

"Actual" Parent?

It’s tough to always be the adults who say, “You have to do your homework” and “School is important”.

It’s tough to always be the adults who say, “Where’s your coat? It’s 30 degrees outside!”

It’s tough to always be the adults who say, “No, you cannot get a facial piercing or a tattoo.”

It’s tough to always be the adults who say, “You have way too much makeup on.” or “Your skirt is way too short.” or “Your shirt is too low cut.”

It’s tough to always be the adults who say, “Do not lie” and try to instill the value of honesty.

It’s tough to always be the adults who always say, “You need to trim your nails – they are very dirty and long”, and “You need to shower daily/brush your teeth/wash your hair/wear clean clothing/wipe yourself better.”

It’s tough to always be the adults who say, “No, you cannot watch R rated movies.”

Their mother is trying very hard to be ”fun”, permissive, and laid-back with the kids.

It’s tough to always be the adults who act like parents.

Keep reading over at LittleWren

What Do You Call Your Step Mother?

Remarried couples often face a challenge in deciding what children should call step-parents, especially when biological parents are still in the picture.

Considering the Other Parent’s Feelings
When deciding what to call a step-parent, it’s important to consider the other parent’s feelings. Choosing a name for the step-mother or step-father that makes biological parents uncomfortable can put the child in a difficult position. This is especially important in situations with shared custody. Children should not have to watch what they call a step-parent when they are in a biological parent’s home. It is a very rare situation when calling a step-parent Mom or Dad is the best choice. Fortunately, there are other options.

Use the Step-Parent’s First Name
In some situations, the best option for remarried couples may be for the child to call a step-mother or step-father by first name. This option works well for older children, especially those who have left the home. As long as the child speaks to the step-parent with respect, being on a first-name basis can avoid a lot of the more difficult questions that can arise when selecting a name for step-parents.

First names don’t work for parents who do not feel comfortable with children calling adults by their given names. This is not necessarily the best solution in a home with younger children either.

Create a Nickname for the Step-Parent
For adults who prefer not to be called by their first names, creating a special nickname for the step-parent may be an option. Using a nickname reinforces the special relationship between child and step-parent without threatening the biological parent who has shared custody. The nickname should be something that the remarried couple, the child and step-parent are comfortable using. It can be a form of the adult’s name, a childhood nickname the step-parent once used or a generic nickname. Ideas for step-mothers include Missy or Mimi. Pop or Poppa may work for step-fathers if these terms aren’t being used by the grandparents.



Read more at Suite101: How to Choose Names for Step-Parents: Remarried Couples Face Challenge of What to Call a Step-Parent | Suite101.com http://marriage.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_choose_names_for_stepparents#ixzz0Zlv0OTUt

Keep reading here on Suite101.com

Who Gets Custody of the School Play?

As a stepfamily coach and counselor, I hear many single mom’s dread the times when they will have to be in the same space as their ex. Worse than that, they eventually have to share that space with the ex’s new wife. Here is one case scenario.

The School Play
Stephanie’s daughter Sarah is in a school play. Stephanie has been coaching Sarah on her lines. mother and daughter are very excited. However, as the night of the play approaches, Stephanie feels a knot growing in her stomach. Her ex-husband, Charles, will be there – with his new wife. She cannot bear to be in the presence of the woman who ruined her marriage. She does not plan on speaking to her. She will stay as far away from both of them as possible.

What Should Stephanie Do?
Stephanie’s feelings are understandable. It is painful to see her ex-husband with “the other woman.” But, it would be damaging to Sarah to see so much friction between her parents.

Getting Through the Night
Stephanie’s situation is similar to many that I have helped women get through. Here are a few ideas that have helped others.

Invite a friend or relative to accompany you to school events when your ex will be there. The friend serves as a buffer and support.
It is important that Stephanie does talk to her “ex” – and his wife. They don’t have to sit together, but civility is required. Children who fare best after a divorce are those whose parents make a real effort to form a co-parenting relationship.
After that very difficult task, Stephanie deserves a treat! A massage the next day, a good movie, or a night out with friends.
Dress Rehearsal for the Future
A school event is, in effect, a dress rehearsal for much bigger events. The time you spend at this event is a lot less than what lies ahead. Think graduations, taking your child to college, weddings, and grandchildren’s birthday parties. These will happen sooner than you think! They will be so much easier if you get used to being in the same space as your “ex” a little bit at a time.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up
It takes a long time to get over a divorce. Of course it’s hard to see the man you were married to with someone else. It will get easier over time. There are divorce support groups, single mom’s groups, and a lot of therapists and counselors who can give you the support you deserve. Remember, your well being is good for your child as well as yourself.

To read more from Brenda Rodstrom, visit www.stepfamilydynamics.com or contact her at rodstromstep@yahoo.com.

Read more here on Education.com