Ex Is TOO Involved.....Help?

What Can I Do to Stop My Husband's Ex-Wife from Coming Between Me and His Son?


By LISA COHN


Dear Lisa:

My husband has two children from a previous marriage. We now have custody of one of them, his son. His son and I are extremely close, and his ex-wife hates this. She will do anything to stop this, including lie to her children about me. I feel so alone at times because I feel that his ex runs the show. My husband gives in to her every whim because he doesn’t want to cause friction. On the one hand, I can see where he is coming from. However, when she is interfering with my personal life, I wish he would stick up for me more. That hurts me the most. She will call and say the stupidest things because she knows she can get to me. She leaves nasty, vile messages on my cell phone. I just can’t ignore it anymore when she is berating me and putting me down in front of my stepson.

I have such a great relationship with my stepson, and I am scared of her coming between us. He is young and very impressionable. We try to limit their conversations, because we feel she only makes things harder for him. She is trying to use that in a custody case now (She is trying to change our custody arrangement). Usually his conversations with her end with him crying. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Getting Remarried?

Whether it's your first marriage and you are marrying someone who is divorced with children, or trying to balance warring divorced parents while planning your own wedding, there are lots of questions that come up when organizing a blended family wedding.
If you have a link to suggest, email it to info@thestepfamilylife.com.

A FEW GREAT LINKS

The Knot.Com
This was my personal favorite website when I planned my wedding. Typing "second wedding" in the search engine got more than 100 links. They also have some great Q&A responses for brides and grooms trying to iron out how to involve both biological parents and stepparents in weddings - including seating arrangements, recognition, etc.

Keep reading here

20 Ideas For The Long Distance Dad

20 ACTIVITIES FOR
LONG-DISTANCE DADS TO DO WITH THEIR KIDS

Article courtesy of Dads at a Distance
1. Go to the mall and have a photo of yourself put on a pillow case and then send it to your child. If you have a favorite cologne you might want to put a little bit on the pillowcase to remind your child of you.

2. Purchase or make stickers of your child's name and stick them over the names of a character in one of their favorite books. You can also get a picture of your child's face and place it over the character's face.

3. Make a video and/or audio tape of you reading bedtime stories. Send them to your child along with the book.

4. Arrange for flowers, pizza, etc. to be delivered to your child before or after a special even (a play, recital, sports game). Include a note telling them how proud you are of their accomplishment.

5. Send a package containing all the things your granchild will need if he or she gets sick. For example, you could send a can of chicken noodle soup, a special blanket or pillowcase, a video or audio tape wishing them a speedy recovery, crossword puzzles, a stuffed animal, etc.

6. Send home a photo documentary of what you do all day when you are away. Be sure to include things like what you eat, how you travel, etc. Things that you might think are boring, your kids will be very interested in seeing. Have your child do the same.

7. Have a star officially named after your child. Call 1-800-282-333.

8. Send a postcard attack. (Send a postcard everyday for a week straight, try to send postcards from unique places).

9. If both you and your child have access to cell phones, then go fishing with them from a distance.

10. Try including surprises in with the letters: fast food wrappers, foreign currency, pencil shavings, coasters, Band-Aids, your own art, flower petals, Sunday comics, sand, fortunes from cookies, newspaper clippings, stamps, old shoe laces, or crumbs from breakfast to show you were thinking of them.

11. If both you and your child have access to the internet, then go on a virtual field trip together. Be sure to use a free program like AOL Instant Message so you can communicate with each other while looking at the webpages. A couple of places to start would be NASA or PBS.

12. Find unique things to write your letters on, for example: things your child likes -- favorite color of paper, stickers, or pictures of things they like. Fun objects -- coaster, napkins, paper tray liners at restaurants, barf bags, old handkerchiefs, pictures of you, or of favorite spots. Paper cut into special shapes ( holiday shapes like shamrocks or hearts). Puzzles (cut your finished letter into pieces, try sending one piece at a time).

13. Send home some money so that your child can go to the ice cream parlor. Be sure to send a special letter along that can only be read at the ice cream parlor. If you both have access to cell phones then you can both be at a ice cream parlor talking over your ice cream.

14. Write a news letter (have a regular issue of your own family newsletter with columns about each child, family events, exciting news etc.).

15. If your child does not already have access to a speaker phone then buy one. Set the phone in the middle of the room, and you will be able to have dinner with them, be there as they brush their teeth and get ready for bed, etc.

16. Start a letter and take it with you throughout the day. Add a sentence every now and then and be sure to add where you are when you write the different sentences - i.e. an elevator, taxi, café, etc.

17. Play Internet games together like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune, both of which can be found at sony.com. Other games that can be found on the Internet include golf, card games, chess, checkers, Sim City, strategy games etc...

18. Make a package that contains cookie cutters and the non-perishable ingredients of your child's favorite cookie so you can "help" them bake while you are away.

19. Choose a photo from your photo album that you can send to your child and then write a letter explaining the events surrounding it. Also if both you and your child have access to the internet. I recommend that you have a family home page. One free resource that I recommend is iVillage.com member websites which enables you to build a free web site you can use as cyber-family central.

20. Begin a Life's Lessons Booklet. Each week write down a few of the lessons you've learned in life and how you learned those lessons. When the booklet is full, send it to your child to use as he or she begins or continues the journey of life

A few years ago H. Jackson Brown Jr. sat down at a type writer and began a list of lessons that he had learned in life to share with his son, who was going off to college. He writes, "I read years ago that it was not the responsibility of parents to pave the road for their children, but to provide a road map." A few days after his son had received the gift he called and told his dad, "Dad, I've been reading the instruction book and I think it's one of the best gifts I've ever received. I'm going to add to it and someday give it to my son."

One Additional Free Activity
Before you leave home next time, hide some treasure (notes of appreciation, videos of you reading stories, candy, toys, etc.) around the house. Be sure to draw a treasure map of where you have hidden these things. Then mail it home. If your child has a portable phone, then you can talk to them and give hints as they hunt for the treasure. If you are not living with your child you can still do this activity by mailing the treasures ahead of time to the person who is taking care of your child.

Article Courtesy of Dads At A Distance

Copyright © 2001 by The National Long Distance Relationship Building Institute. All Rights Reserved.

This Article is based on 20 Activities For Long-Distance Dads To Do With Their Kids

Source: CaliforniaDivorce.info

Don't Do It Again

How to Make Sure He's Not Like Your Ex
5 tips to finding true love after divorce
by Debra Holland


There's nothing like a fresh start — knowing in your heart that you're ready to move past the divorce and date again. Before that little black dress comes out of the closet, ask yourself: Do I know how to make a better choice this time around?

"Things will be different," we tell ourselves. And things really can be different, of course. But only if you're different in the way you approach your next relationship. Whether you're in search of Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, unless you want to attract "Your Ex: The Sequel," consider these tips to help you choose wisely:

1. Pay attention to warning signs. Red flags wave for your attention, alerting you to a potential problem or a man's character defect. If you think back to the days of your courtship with your ex, in hindsight you can see the danger signs displayed during that time. What might not be so clear is why you dismissed the warning signals.

Did you deny the potential problems because you loved him and thought that was all that mattered? Did you think he'd change, especially if you got married or had a baby? Did you tell yourself your concerns weren't a big deal? Did you think he'd be different with you than he'd been with the women in his past? Did you jump into a serious relationship from early infatuation? Were you so needy, you latched onto him so you wouldn't feel lonely and empty?

2. Trust yourself and those close to you. By becoming clear about how you denied potential problems in the past, you can catch yourself before making a similar mistake with the men you date. Have faith in your intuition. Whether your intuition speaks to you in a still, small voice; a gut feeling; a hunch; or some other sensation you need to follow the messages you're given. If your intuition tells you something is wrong, it probably is.

Don't be dismissive of your family or friends; be open to what they're telling you. If two or more people give you the same feedback, pay attention.

3. Take a look at his past. Does he put the blame for the breakdown of previous relationships on the woman? Does he admit to cheating? Does he make excuses for not interacting with his children? Does he use a poor or dysfunctional childhood as an excuse for his current behavior? Does he tell stories about himself (or his close friends) in a light way, showing he lacks ethics in some areas?

4. Beware the "I'm-a-changed-man" line. When he says meeting you has made him a different man, it may sound wonderful to hear. But don't put a lot of credence into that statement. Most of the time, men don't change their character because they've fallen in love. He needs to undergo the life-changing experiences that made him a better man before meeting you.

A change in character or behavior patterns come only after steadfast work on personal growth. Has he gone to therapy, had extensive coaching, become religious and is active in a church, joined a 12-step program, embarked on a course of self-help reading, attended personal growth seminars, or taken purposeful steps to become a better person?

5. A dose of caution is good for romance. Who doesn't love a sweet fairytale? A made-up love story can be great for entertainment. But if you want something real — in a friend or a lover — don't get caught up in a fantasy. Remain vigilant about the details he shares about himself. As you well know, from your most recent relationship, some of those details can come back with a vengeance. Caution will help you screen out those men who look good on the surface, but won't be good for you.

Source: FirstWivesWorld.com

Ex Wives VS New Wives

GUEST BLOGGER: Kela Price, Founder of Blended Family Soap Opera

Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.

Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.

What do we do with this information?

There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?

Divorced Mom

When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?

Stepmothers

What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?

When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.

After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.

Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.

Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

Kela Price is a Certified Stepfamily Counselor and the founder of www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com

Source

Have You Started To Doubt Your Divorce?

It's not unusual, in the aftermath of divorce, to wonder whether you have done the right thing. In fact, unless your marriage has been complete hell—and that is not usually the case—you will still harbor residual feelings of affection for your spouse and the happy moments you spent together.

“Unless it's a situation of utter relief from the most adverse possible circumstances,” says Dr. Mitchell Baris, “ambivalent feelings are likely to linger.”

There is, quite simply, a period of wondering whether you could have worked it out or whether you simply gave up too soon.

One friend of ours began harboring such feelings, especially after his ex started calling him and asking him to be open, at least, to trying again. Her requests were especially tempting to him because she had been the one to end the relationship and push for the divorce in the first place. Just a year ago, he had pleaded with her to give the marriage a shot, and now, miraculously, she was doing just that.

But for our friend, things had changed. The experience had revealed to him his wife's fickle, callous side, and he had started dating someone new. Not only was he basically content again, but also he had no desire to plunge himself into the pain he had experienced as recently as a year before.

What should he do? A therapist wisely advised him to get together with his ex-spouse. “Don't be afraid,” the psychiatrist told him. “You're thinking very clearly now, and you'll see things for what they really are.”

Indeed he did. His ex-wife claimed she wanted a reunion, but within minutes of their meeting at a local coffee shop, she was commenting on his tie (too loud) and his hair (too short).

Our friend was cordial throughout the meeting but was able to walk away from it understanding he was well out of a relationship that meant nothing but pain. He had looked into the eye of the monster, after all, and he had prevailed.

The moral of the story: After your divorce, face your ambivalence head on. If your spouse has really been a louse or is just not right for you, you'll have the ability to see that, even if in your weaker moments you're still not sure.

Source: FamilyEducation

Can You Date (marry) Someone That Parents Differently?

Dating Dad Wonders How to Date Mothers with Different Parenting Styles


By LISA COHN


Dear Lisa,

I recently read an article on MSN.com by you that talked about dating and kids. I am divorced with a 15-year-old boy and was dating--until recently--someone who had a 14-year-old girl and an 11-year-old boy. She had full custody of her kids. I have rotating weekends. One of the issues that ending up breaking us up was our parenting styles. How do you move forward when you have two different styles and know that in the long run if you get married, it will drive you crazy and will be the source of arguments and hard feelings down the road?

The Co-Parenting Issue

Co-Parenting: Nationwide Effort Would Force Parents to Share Responsibility


By VICTOR GRETO


When Doug Richardson remarried, he waited nearly a decade before having a child. "We got married under the agreement we'd have no kids," says Richardson, 42, of Essexville, Mich. "But my wife is 10 years younger than myself. I didn't want to shortchange her because of my own experience."

That experience, which began when he was 19 and married his pregnant girlfriend, got even worse in 1991 when Richardson divorced her, and took a nightmarish journey through the court system. He ended up paying tens of thousands of dollars in child support and health insurance, and then never seeing his two children. "For the first 16 years I buried it so deep, along the lines of a rape victim," Richardson said. "It hit me when my child was born (to his second wife), about what was really taken from me."


Angry and bewildered fathers who want more rights after they divorce – to either right the wrongs of paternity fraud, or to be awarded equal or shared parenting with their children – have been fighting back through high-profile court cases, founding shared parenting organizations and lobbying extensively for new laws.




Shared parenting assumes that both parents will be awarded joint custody, unless other factors (proven abuse or domestic violence) weigh against it. "It is the case that there's a growing awareness of the injustices in the system," says Ronald K. Henry, co-founder of the Calvert Institute for Policy Research, and who has argued and written papers for decades arguing for shared parenting rights.


Keep reading here at d360

Dad's Dating, Ex Is Angry

What Should I Do to Help Partner with Former Spouse Who Blames Me?


By LISA COHN


Dear Lisa:

I have listened to your Stepfamily Talk Radio website, read many books about how I should conduct myself and act...but I desperately would like/need your advice. I'm 30 years old and dating a dad who is 35. We’re very lucky to have found each other, but a great deal of turmoil exists in our lives.

keep reading here

Rights, Ex's & Remarriage

What are My Rights When My Ex Remarries?
Angie writes: I just have a few questions regarding my ex-husband’s remarriage. I feel that it is important to know that I do, normally, get along great with my ex-husband, and I am, well, was happy that he was remarrying and that the woman was nice to my girls. However, a wedding invitation was sent to my girls at our home; they reside with me. I was helping them choose the dinner that they would be enjoying at the reception. I glanced at the invitation, and to my utter shock, the date of the wedding is my eleven year old daughter’s birthday.

I immediately grabbed the phone (my daughter was at her friend’s house), and called my ex. I first made light conversation about the meal selections, debating whether I was even going to go there! However, I thought of my daughter and blatently asked him “Whose brilliant idea was it to get married on her birthday?” Noting, they are getting married on March 12 at the JP’s office with their 7 month old twins (my girls’ half-sisters), and her parents; my daughters are not invited to the private wedding ceremony and I had to explain that to them. He gave a million excuses, blah, blah, and I told him “hey, whatever, but it seems really insensitive to me, and absolutely wrong, but I understand that you have your logic, so whatever.”

Is this practice of getting married (wedding is in two months, JP office open most days) on my daughter’s birthday acceptable? And, is it common practice to exclude the groom’s 10 and 11 years olds from the private ceremony? My oldest daughter is a daddy’s girl, and just loved his fiancee, and she is really hurting because of this. She doesn’t openly display this, but when she and I were alone, I told her that I found out (she wouldn’t tell me) about the birthday/wedding bullcrap. I asked her if she was okay with that, and she is not. She is wondering why they did that, and I don’t know what to say. I just told her that when she has feelings like this, and if she hurting, that if I can’t help her myself, that I would get her counseling or she can call on my sister, or people close to her when she is feeling sad.

While speaking with my ex (very brief conversation), he said that he can’t believe that I even commented on his wedding date. I left him nine years ago, for no other reason than we were very incompatible and I couldn’t stand him - noting this because this could come off as jealousy. I am just concerned for my daughter, and wonder if this issue is one in which I can say that it is totally inappropriate for this to occur on her birthday and not look like an idiot. I just can’t believe that this would be happening. And now, my daughter said that his fiancee knew her actual birthdate, so it’s hard not to wonder if the fiancee didn’t plan this to hurt my daughter.

Please get back to me as soon as possible. My daughter is not one to share her feelings, but she asked me to take the long way home last night when I spoke to her about this issue. Tears filled her eyes, and I just told her that if the date is not changed, that life will have to go on, but somehow she will be stronger by getting through it, and every step of the way, she can let me know what she needs, or if she needs to talk to someone, or see a counselor for tools to deal with this. I just think that people are just brushing this off as oh well, what’s the big deal–she’s eleven, and now has seen the other part of her life, at her dad’s, turn into a hurting situation. She loves going there, and now I just see this wave of sadness when she thinks of her dad. She does not know how to handle the confusion, and the questions she has, well, I really feel that he should deal with them.

Also, one more question. If this is totally unacceptable, would it be absurd of me to insist on another date and that they be included in the private ceremony? Would it be distasteful for me to say that if they are not included in the private family wedding ceremony, then I am not sending them to the reception either? I will not let my girls be thrown to the wolves. So what rights am I entitled to as far as even speaking about their wedding?

Chuck and Jae reply: Let’s start with your final question. Yes, it would not be a good idea for you to insist on another wedding date and that your daughters be included in the private ceremony. Moreover, you would be doing your daughters a great disservice, as well as causing potentially serious damage to their relationship with their father and his fiancee, by not allowing them to attend the wedding reception. We assure you, letting them attend will not be “throwing them to the wolves.” It’s not about your “rights,” or “entitlement” - it’s more about what would be best for your daughters.

You didn’t mention what his reasoning was for choosing that particular date or why he chose not to invite the girls to the private ceremony. If you were not satisfied with his explanations, we would recommend the next step be that you encourage your daughters to take up both subjects with him. The main objective would be for them to let him know that they are having some feelings about his decision. Then they should be prepared to accept his response. We don’t believe that this situation, however disappointing to you and to your daughters, merits the kind of response you are suggesting.

Your letter indicates that your daughters have a very good relationship with their father’s fiancee; therefore, we can’t imagine the fiancee deliberately trying to hurt your oldest daughter in this fashion. On the other hand, it is important for the future of their relationship, as the girls go through the critical adolescent years, that this ceremony not be marred by a major conflict if it can be avoided. We believe it is very important for divorced parents not to be disparaging of each other to their children. This confuses them and puts them in loyalty binds. Under normal conditions (unless the situation is particularly egregious, such as abuse, etc.), we think it best that the children be encouraged to express their feelings directly to their parent. This would be much more effective and will minimize the appearance of the other parent using the children as a pretext for expressing his or her own agenda.

Your desire to protect your daughters from harm is praiseworthy. You must be careful, however, not to inadvertently deny them opportunities to learn to speak up for themselves and to directly influence the satisfaction of their needs.

Forgive us if we have misinterpreted the tone of your letter, but it suggests to us that you have a lot of anger toward your ex-spouse. For your sake, as well as your daughters, we recommend you take a look at that anger and try to find a way to resolve that.

Found at remarriagemag.com

Ex = My Best Bud?

My Ex – My BFF
Love? You bet. Live together? No way. But we’re awfully good at the art of emotional rescue and nonsexual healing.

by Anne Goodfriend

Take this, Britney, Heather, Christie: My ex-husband, David, is my best friend. Forever.

No celeb-style divorce for us – as “fifth Beatle” Billy Preston sang, “Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’ …” – although it did take 5 months for David to move out after we painfully agreed to part.

And it took as many years before we started meeting for lunch occasionally. Along the way, I met Bill: We fell in love immediately and mythically, and, although we were both altar-shy at this stage of life, we finally moved in together.

Meanwhile, David was miserable; evidently, as I found out much later. He’d given up trying to meet someone. That dismayed me, because he’s a good man with a big heart who should be paired – just not with me.

Bill understood our friendship; in fact, he and David liked each other a lot. We’d go to the Dairy Godmother together for frozen custard, and Bill would cook wonderful dinners for the three of us. We often went to hear David’s band play their blues-flavored rock ‘n’ roll.

David continued to pour his heart out to me over our sporadic lunches, while I tried to boost his spirits. We often remarked on what a deep friendship we had despite our failed marriage and how we had remained the parents of our longhaired dachshunds, who probably kept us together longer than we should have been. He’d taken custody (he was better able), but I visited, and the four of us hung out happily. When Teddy, the elder dog, became severely ill, David asked me to go along to put him down. We cried together and swore we’d always be there for each other.

Many of our friends and relatives wondered at how close we grew post-divorce. They’d never heard of such an epilogue. While some exes remain civil “for the children,” how many have morphed into fast friends? Surely more than we two, but it’s rare in my experience.

I’d been jobless for 6 months when Bill, knowing that my health coverage was about to run out, gallantly proposed. Although we’d decided from the start not to marry – having been burned before – I accepted, not only for the insurance but because we were rock-solid certain that we were the loves of each other’s lives. As Bill said to Frank, his best friend since childhood, “After all, it’s not as if I don’t love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her.”

David’s happiness for both of us was clouded only by his lack of a partner.

Fast forward a year, after countless job interviews. Scrolling the listings, I saw that the Pulitzer Prize-winning Virgin Islands Daily News needed an editor.

“Hey, wanna move to St. Thomas?” I called out to Bill.

“You bet! Go for it!” he yelled back, and the wheels began to spin. No doubt in Bill’s mind: All he wanted was to fish in the sun, semiretired, while copywriting for the Daily News. The day we accepted our new jobs, we celebrated our first anniversary. The next day, we flew home and prepared to report for work in 8 weeks.

David was against the move, not only because we’d be so far away but because he felt that, as a city girl with Brooklyn in her bones, I wouldn’t thrive there.

Bill and I agreed we’d get full physicals before moving to an island with decent doctors but nearly nonexistent hospital care. Bill procrastinated and had his exam just 3 weeks before we were to use our one-way tickets. Five days later, his specialist diagnosed stage IV lung cancer.

The Caribbean was no longer in our future.

It was at this point that David stepped up to the plate. Bill had no family, only friends from work and Frank. But it was David who visited at least weekly (especially for Sunday baseball games). My family and our friends dropped by once in a while, but David was the most constant companion Bill had other than me, and they grew to love each other. They even managed to bridge the gap of rooting for rival teams, the Red Sox and the Mets.

On a September afternoon 4½ months after his diagnosis, Bill died while I was out. The only comfort was the doctor’s assurance that it had been instant and painless, a sort of explosion that couldn’t have been prevented even if he had been in the hospital.

After 911, my first call was to David. He was the first by my side as I stood, in shock, answering questions from the emergency personnel who swarmed in. He held me, comforted me, cried with me. We loved and mourned Bill together in a moment more intimate than we’d ever shared as spouses.

Nearly 2 years later, I met Don, and it was David whose thumbs-up I sought.

That’s about when David met his darling Jodi. They came to our wedding reception, delighted to celebrate with us, and we hope someday to dance at theirs.

Inevitably, David and I see each other less often now. But nary a week goes by that we don’t e-mail or phone. We’re still the closest of friends; I still bear his name. We have each other’s backs and always will.

Chances are, we’ll be rocking beside each other on the nursing-home porch. Madonna, eat your heart out!

A freelance writer and editor in Arlington, Virginia, Anne Goodfriend marvels at how fortunate she is to have loved and been loved by the brave, kind men who have shared her life.

Found this over at remarriagemag.com

Divorce & Biology?

Cinderella is thirteen... and all that that implies people!
That should be enough to explain the current challenges and changes to the dynamics of our relationship.
(Oh and what changes there are! Someone should have warned me that the aliens would snatch her up in the middle of the night and replace her with a snarky, lazy drone with horrible B.O. matched only by her sense of fashion. GAH!)
Our relationship has turned a corner. A blind corner that I am sure any BIOLOGICAL parent would have recognized but one that took me weeks to realize and stop second-guessing my parenting of her. (Yes, after 10+ years of being a Stepmom, I still do this. *sigh*)
I am not Cindy's BioMom and the sad truth of that fact was recently (and quite cleverly) exploited by my darling as she turned weeks of her own idleness and disrespectfulness into a shitstorm nightmare that involved her law guardian, school counselor and threats of CPS being called.
I SHIT YOU NOT.
Weeks of asking her to "please do your chores" and "please don't speak to me that way" led to that straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back moment that every parent experiences at least once a MILLION times in their lifetime.
(You know the one where you head spins around 360 degrees and your brain explodes and you say things like "wipe that smirk off your face or I will wipe it off for you" but in my case it was equating her sour-puss to a plate I knocked off the table and that subsequently broke?) (Oh YES. I. DID.)
I'm not proud. I stumbled as we all do. And, as we all must do, I admitted my mistake, apologized and moved on.

Did you know that Cinderella has a law guardian?
Uh-huh. Yep. She does.
This law guardian was put in place to protect her from visitation/custody issues between her mother and Dad. We've encouraged her frequently to call the LG if she felt she needed to and could not speak to any of us about it.
Well...
Guess what? SHE DID.
Uh-huh. Yep.
From her MOTHER'S the NEXT DAY during her scheduled 3 hour mid-week visitation. And she related the story of our exchange as only a thirteen year old drama queen can.
"I'm afraid to go home, can I sleep over at Mom's?"

Keep reading at Wicked Stepmom

Divorce & Biolgy?

Cinderella is thirteen... and all that that implies people!
That should be enough to explain the current challenges and changes to the dynamics of our relationship.
(Oh and what changes there are! Someone should have warned me that the aliens would snatch her up in the middle of the night and replace her with a snarky, lazy drone with horrible B.O. matched only by her sense of fashion. GAH!)
Our relationship has turned a corner. A blind corner that I am sure any BIOLOGICAL parent would have recognized but one that took me weeks to realize and stop second-guessing my parenting of her. (Yes, after 10+ years of being a Stepmom, I still do this. *sigh*)
I am not Cindy's BioMom and the sad truth of that fact was recently (and quite cleverly) exploited by my darling as she turned weeks of her own idleness and disrespectfulness into a shitstorm nightmare that involved her law guardian, school counselor and threats of CPS being called.
I SHIT YOU NOT.
Weeks of asking her to "please do your chores" and "please don't speak to me that way" led to that straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back moment that every parent experiences at least once a MILLION times in their lifetime.
(You know the one where you head spins around 360 degrees and your brain explodes and you say things like "wipe that smirk off your face or I will wipe it off for you" but in my case it was equating her sour-puss to a plate I knocked off the table and that subsequently broke?) (Oh YES. I. DID.)
I'm not proud. I stumbled as we all do. And, as we all must do, I admitted my mistake, apologized and moved on.

Did you know that Cinderella has a law guardian?
Uh-huh. Yep. She does.
This law guardian was put in place to protect her from visitation/custody issues between her mother and Dad. We've encouraged her frequently to call the LG if she felt she needed to and could not speak to any of us about it.
Well...
Guess what? SHE DID.
Uh-huh. Yep.
From her MOTHER'S the NEXT DAY during her scheduled 3 hour mid-week visitation. And she related the story of our exchange as only a thirteen year old drama queen can.
"I'm afraid to go home, can I sleep over at Mom's?"

Keep reading at Wicked Stepmom

What Happens When Stepparents Divorce?

Stepparents Challenging Courts so They Can Maintain Contact after Divorce


By LENORE SKOMAL


Smommy. It’s what Patty Burgess’ stepdaughters call her. “They came home one day and said, well, we can’t call you ‘Mommy’ but you are sort of our mommy. So they came up with “S-mommy,” and “Smommy,”” said the 51-year old Realtor and radio talk show host from Bucks County, Penn.

And even though Burgess divorced their father nine years ago, she is still Smommy and a vital part of their lives thanks to what she says was a divorce focused on “making it OK for the kids.”

Keep reading about stepparents divorcing here

Telling The Kids You're About To Marry

Remarriage: Tips to Talk to your Kids about Remarriage -- No Matter What Age


By CAROLINE SHANNON



After being the “Three Musketeers” for some time, Jennifer Burgoyne was excited to tell her children of her plans to marry her boyfriend, Allen. Not only was she the happiest she had been since her divorce five years earlier, but she was confident that her boys, too, would be happy, too. “...I knew they already loved him and he loved them...,” California-based Burgoyne, 42, said.

But, according to experts, Burgoyne’s experience is rare. “Although you may be happy for your new marriage, your kids may not be” said Dr. Sharon Fried, author of the new book "New Parents Are People Too." “It takes a very unselfish child to welcome this new person just because his or her parent is happy.”

Keep reading about telling the kids here