Cinderella calls me by first name and probably will for the foreseeable future. And I am just fine with that. However, if you are newly stepped and would like your stepchildren to call you something other than your first name, or are currently facing a situation like this, I put together this list to help you along the way:
Stepmom
Steppy
S'Mom
BonusMom
OtherMom (Om / Ommy)
ExtraMom (E.M. / EM / Emmy)
Parent
Mom/Mommy + First Name (Mom-Cathy)
Mom/Mommy + Initial (Mommy-C)
Ma
You could try a unique variation of your first name, such as "Cat" for Catherine.
Or come up with a special nickname that relates to something unique to you and your stepchild. For instance, if you both love Oreos, they can call you “Cookie.” If you are a bit wicked, like the author of this post, why not "Apple." (If Gwynneth Paltrow can do it, why not you?)
Try Mother/Mommy in another languages:
Dutch: Moeder/Mama
French: Mère/Maman
Gaelic: Máthair/Mamai
German: Mutter/Mamma
Italian: Madre/Mommy
Portugese: Mãe
Spanish: Madre/Mama
No matter what you decide, make sure it's mutual. Don't force your stepkids to do something they (or you or your hubby) are not comfortable with.
And as difficult as it may be for some, always take BioMom's feelings into consideration.
Found this over at WickedStepMom
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Never Too Late?
It’s Never Too Late
They’re off on their Harleys or to a dancing lesson on Saturday night. The fun isn’t over for these young-as-you-feel couples who’ve found a new lease on life – and romance.
by Patricia J. Lasher
Debbie had only been divorced a few months, but after 25 years of marriage, she wasn’t used to dating. The slightly-past-middle-age mother of three let herself rush into a relationship.
“It was too quick, too soon,” she recalls, not bitterly, but with a note of puzzlement in her otherwise animated tone. “Finally, after that relationship quickly ended, I had reached the point that I was happy, on my own, for the first time in my life, ready to have fun and ready to take my time as far as any relationship. I was happy to travel with girlfriends, do things I had never had a chance to do. . . . I wasn’t looking for anyone else to make me happy.”
And when she unexpectedly fell in love with Scott, 11 years her junior, Debbie was reluctant to tell her family and grown children. “I was worried about what others would think about me going into another relationship.” She enjoyed a year of courtship, then a romantic and surprising wedding proposal that whisked her off her feet. That family she was worried about informing came a hundred-plus strong to their 2004 wedding. Their only complaint? Now these lovebirds are often too busy to watch the grandchildren. Debbie recently bought a Harley-Davidson to match Scott’s, and, she says, “We’re off riding nearly every other weekend.”
Statistically, Debbie’s remarriage is the rule, not the exception. A study of the patterns of remarriage following divorce in this country by Centers for Disease Control’s National Center for Health Statistics in 2002 indicates that the odds that remarriage will occur are better than even. According to this study, 75 percent of divorced women remarry within 10 years of divorce.
Remarriage, especially after a long first (or subsequent), established marriage, adds a whole new level of complexity, from household belongings to finances. Monies from a divorce settlement, or a survivor’s annuity, Social Security benefits, or medical insurance coverage may automatically cease. (Information is available on the Social Security Administration website .) Alimony payments that a divorced spouse receives usually end when that person remarries; on the other hand, a paying spouse who remarries must continue his or her obligation, causing more than a few parties in the new relationship to hesitate before saying I do. In addition, marital agreements and airtight trusts often keep a spouse responsible for the long-term care of the divorced spouse, sometimes even affecting Medicaid eligibility.
For businesswoman Gloria Berthold of Elkridge, Maryland, remarriage was not even on the radar screen. Divorced for 21 years, Berthold’s life was a busy but satisfying whirl of business – she runs a company that helps others seek government contracts – and good times with a tight circle of wonderful friends.
“I had been in relationships over the years, but had really given up on the idea of remarriage,” she says. So when Berthold received a call from her broker, Patrick Larkin, she assumed he was calling “to ask me to invest some more funds.” But after that one lunch date, the couple saw each other with “different eyes,” Berthold says, and pretty soon the decision to remarry was “shockingly clear cut.” They married a year later, in May 2008, with the blessings of Patrick’s children. The biggest challenge, she says, has been that of getting used to a new last name. “When you’ve been in business or in a career and built up a reputation with a name, it is really difficult to make the switch, but I never doubted that I would use ‘Larkin’ once we were married.”
Kids at Heart
Ah, the children. Patrick Larkin’s first wife had died of breast cancer after a long and happy 39-year marriage, and his adult son and daughter welcomed someone into their dad’s life. “The children have been so supportive,” says Gloria Larkin, who had none of her own. “I think they are pleased to see their dad happy.”
Jack and Shirley Cohen Wald met at nightly synagogue services; Jack had been a widower for several years, but Shirley’s husband had only recently died. Her children were still mourning, as was she, the loss of their father, and were reluctant to accept a new man in her life. Over the next 3 years, Jack and Shirley’s friendship grew, and they brought both sets of children and grandchildren together on holidays.
The families finally grew comfortable – then happy – about the marriage when 67-year-old Shirley married 80-year-old Jack, about 10 years ago. “Holidays are wonderful now,” Shirley said, when discussing her golden years’ marriage last fall. “Each of our children takes a holiday and everyone comes together. I think of Jack’s grandchildren and great-grandchildren as mine and he feels that way about mine.” Jack’s granddaughter, Ilene Glickman Horwitz, a family law attorney in Towson, Maryland, says, “Shirley became the matriarch of our family and took us all under her wing.” Jack Wald died in April, 2009, and as a loving, blended family, they bid their farewells to Jack and celebrated his rich life.
Not all offspring are so accommodating. Those adult children who so vehemently spurned parental advice when diving into their own marriages are often pretty loose with unsolicited advice for their own parents who contemplate remarriage.
Accountant Kathy Becker of Columbia, Maryland, believes that when you “get married, you get married, with all that it involves.” She and her husband of 5 years each have an adult child from prior marriages. “Everyone gets along great,” she reports. As for estate planning, Becker and her spouse decided to provide by will for each other, with a level of trust between them that each would be fair to the other’s child. “Today it’s hard to be sure you have enough for retirement and long-term care,” she says, “so unless the estate is bigger than ours, there’s not enough to even think about setting aside trusts for children.” But, of course, some larger estates require separate trusts or stronger plans; many CPAs advise couples to put financial agreements into prenuptial or carefully worded postmarital agreements.
“It seems that adult children are either really in favor of the later marriage, or really against it,” says John Abosch, a CPA and personal financial specialist and estate planner with Baltimore-based KAWG&F. Dealing with sophisticated clients, Abosch says that, at minimum, parties should look at the tax consequences of marriage along with the estate ramifications. “Written agreements, where both of the parties are represented and understand their rights, can prevent some of the current extended family distrust and family disputes that often arise.”
Among the issues that clients ask matrimonial lawyers to address include support in the event of death or divorce, property brought into the marriage, disposition of personal property, life insurance trusts, real estate ownership, medical directives, powers of attorney, and living wills. Family law attorney Liz Scheffee says that almost all of her older clients who contemplate a later remarriage have premarital agreements. The Portland, Maine, matrimonial lawyer notes that it’s “usually to protect the kids, and, perhaps, assure them as well.”
“The older gentlemen are more generous in negotiating prenups than the younger men,” Scheffee adds, “most likely because they already know what their future holds…if you get my drift.” In short, “there is less future to negotiate about, and the estate is a known quantity rather than a potential one. I find the premarital agreements for older people are more about estate planning and preserving each person’s asset base for the kids. For younger couples, the prenups are more about what happens on divorce rather than death.”
Yours, Mine, or Ours
High up on the checklist of issues for these later-in-life couples is housing, whether a spouse has died or individuals are moving out of an established postdivorce situation. For the Walds, the “your place or mine” question was easily resolved: Each sold homes, and the couple moved to Leisure World, an active retirement community outside of Washington, DC. “Everything that had belonged to their mother went to Jack’s children and grandchildren before we moved,” Shirley says. “I wanted them to know that their mother’s things were theirs.” Debbie and Scott solved the question by purchasing a home together along with an RV that has them spending the occasional weekend with family in tow. Patrick moved into Gloria’s residence, and they’ve discovered a new hobby: getting Patrick’s home ready to sell. Most weekends these days, says Gloria, “we are do-it-yourselfers: painting, carpeting. We’re doing it all.”
When one spouse moves into the other’s family home without receiving legal title, big questions can arise in the event of death or subsequent divorce. Without a prior written agreement of the parties, the divorce agreement – or, as a last resort, the courts – will have to stipulate who may remain on premises. If the marriage ends in death without wills, state law may address the resolution. A few states, in some instances, do grant a surviving spouse homestead rights for the remainder of his or her life. In other states, the parties who inherit the family home can decide whether the surviving spouse may remain – and under what terms – or must vacate.
Annette and Hal Kuntz celebrated their remarriage last year by buying a penthouse apartment in Texas. “We each sold our homes and sold, stored, gave away, or incorporated some of our furniture and furnishings.” Between her beach house and his ranches, which they kept, both were ready to give up the yard and the upkeep for a home in the city. “It has also been fun to find new items that we both like, says Annette, a family court judge, “making this home truly ‘ours.’ ” The biggest excitement came when the hot tub, delivered and placed by a helicopter, was set on their patio overlooking the Houston skyline.
Going for the Gold
Although the number of cohabiting senior citizens is on the increase, marriage in the golden years is still a welcome option to many. Research holds that married seniors are more likely to eat breakfast, wear seat belts, engage in physical activity, have their blood pressure checked, and avoid smoking than widowed elderly persons. The benefits of marriage tend to be more substantial for elderly men than for elderly women, according to a 1998 study by the Agency for Health Care Policy and Research (now the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality).
If Olympic medals were awarded to the couple best suited to represent the joys and benefits of remarriage in the senior years, then Jane and Albert Schleuter, now 84 and 80, respectively, would be in the running. The couple met several years ago down the hall from their apartments in the Charlestown Retirement Community, located in a Baltimore suburb. This past July, the Schleuters celebrated their fourth anniversary, squeezing a lunch celebration with family in between plans to work on the community’s Benevolent Care Foundation Treasure Sale, crab feasts, and dinner dates with friends.
Contradictions and laughter greet my question, How did you meet? “A friend introduced us at the elevator,” says Al. “That’s not right,” Jane quickly interrupts. “I was waiting for an elevator, and you walked right up and introduced yourself.”
On almost everything else, though, they seem to agree. As they dined frequently together, each talked about the lack of desire to remarry. After a little more than a year, when friends asked them to come along on a trip to Italy, Al popped the question. Jane said yes, without hesitation. “Our friends said they knew before we did that we’d marry,” she says. “We just always, from the start, held hands.”
Like a storybook, Al picked out Jane’s lavender wedding dress and she chose his new suit for the big day. They exchanged vows in the magnificent chapel Our Lady of the Angels on the 110-acre retirement community’s grounds. More than 80 guests celebrated with the couple, including most of their families: Jane has three children, five grandchildren, and six great-grandchildren; Al, who lost a son several years ago, has a surviving daughter, two grandchildren, and a great-grandchild. Jane and her sister made the six wedding cakes offered up at the reception.
Without a backward glance, Jane moved to Al’s apartment in the 2,000-member community. “It was larger,” he says. Jane’s family antiques and other furniture went to her children. “They would have gotten it someday, anyway,” Jane adds.
When it came to family members, encouragement from both sides was strong. “I called my children to say I’d met someone. They said, ‘Mom, you don’t have to tell us what you’re doing.’ Then I called to say I was going to Italy and got the same response. Finally, I said, ‘I want you to meet Al,’ and the response was ‘It’s about time.’ ”
Reluctant to give advice to others, both do agree that being able to talk easily to each other is a major consideration in choosing a partner. “Oh, yes,” Jane adds, “and holding hands.”
Former family court associate judge, reMarriage’s legal columnist Patricia J. Lasher, shuttles back and forth between homes in Houston, Texas, and Baltimore, Maryland.
Found at remarriagemag.com
They’re off on their Harleys or to a dancing lesson on Saturday night. The fun isn’t over for these young-as-you-feel couples who’ve found a new lease on life – and romance.
by Patricia J. Lasher
Debbie had only been divorced a few months, but after 25 years of marriage, she wasn’t used to dating. The slightly-past-middle-age mother of three let herself rush into a relationship.
“It was too quick, too soon,” she recalls, not bitterly, but with a note of puzzlement in her otherwise animated tone. “Finally, after that relationship quickly ended, I had reached the point that I was happy, on my own, for the first time in my life, ready to have fun and ready to take my time as far as any relationship. I was happy to travel with girlfriends, do things I had never had a chance to do. . . . I wasn’t looking for anyone else to make me happy.”
And when she unexpectedly fell in love with Scott, 11 years her junior, Debbie was reluctant to tell her family and grown children. “I was worried about what others would think about me going into another relationship.” She enjoyed a year of courtship, then a romantic and surprising wedding proposal that whisked her off her feet. That family she was worried about informing came a hundred-plus strong to their 2004 wedding. Their only complaint? Now these lovebirds are often too busy to watch the grandchildren. Debbie recently bought a Harley-Davidson to match Scott’s, and, she says, “We’re off riding nearly every other weekend.”
Statistically, Debbie’s remarriage is the rule, not the exception. A study of the patterns of remarriage following divorce in this country by Centers for Disease Control’s National Center for Health Statistics in 2002 indicates that the odds that remarriage will occur are better than even. According to this study, 75 percent of divorced women remarry within 10 years of divorce.
Remarriage, especially after a long first (or subsequent), established marriage, adds a whole new level of complexity, from household belongings to finances. Monies from a divorce settlement, or a survivor’s annuity, Social Security benefits, or medical insurance coverage may automatically cease. (Information is available on the Social Security Administration website .) Alimony payments that a divorced spouse receives usually end when that person remarries; on the other hand, a paying spouse who remarries must continue his or her obligation, causing more than a few parties in the new relationship to hesitate before saying I do. In addition, marital agreements and airtight trusts often keep a spouse responsible for the long-term care of the divorced spouse, sometimes even affecting Medicaid eligibility.
For businesswoman Gloria Berthold of Elkridge, Maryland, remarriage was not even on the radar screen. Divorced for 21 years, Berthold’s life was a busy but satisfying whirl of business – she runs a company that helps others seek government contracts – and good times with a tight circle of wonderful friends.
“I had been in relationships over the years, but had really given up on the idea of remarriage,” she says. So when Berthold received a call from her broker, Patrick Larkin, she assumed he was calling “to ask me to invest some more funds.” But after that one lunch date, the couple saw each other with “different eyes,” Berthold says, and pretty soon the decision to remarry was “shockingly clear cut.” They married a year later, in May 2008, with the blessings of Patrick’s children. The biggest challenge, she says, has been that of getting used to a new last name. “When you’ve been in business or in a career and built up a reputation with a name, it is really difficult to make the switch, but I never doubted that I would use ‘Larkin’ once we were married.”
Kids at Heart
Ah, the children. Patrick Larkin’s first wife had died of breast cancer after a long and happy 39-year marriage, and his adult son and daughter welcomed someone into their dad’s life. “The children have been so supportive,” says Gloria Larkin, who had none of her own. “I think they are pleased to see their dad happy.”
Jack and Shirley Cohen Wald met at nightly synagogue services; Jack had been a widower for several years, but Shirley’s husband had only recently died. Her children were still mourning, as was she, the loss of their father, and were reluctant to accept a new man in her life. Over the next 3 years, Jack and Shirley’s friendship grew, and they brought both sets of children and grandchildren together on holidays.
The families finally grew comfortable – then happy – about the marriage when 67-year-old Shirley married 80-year-old Jack, about 10 years ago. “Holidays are wonderful now,” Shirley said, when discussing her golden years’ marriage last fall. “Each of our children takes a holiday and everyone comes together. I think of Jack’s grandchildren and great-grandchildren as mine and he feels that way about mine.” Jack’s granddaughter, Ilene Glickman Horwitz, a family law attorney in Towson, Maryland, says, “Shirley became the matriarch of our family and took us all under her wing.” Jack Wald died in April, 2009, and as a loving, blended family, they bid their farewells to Jack and celebrated his rich life.
Not all offspring are so accommodating. Those adult children who so vehemently spurned parental advice when diving into their own marriages are often pretty loose with unsolicited advice for their own parents who contemplate remarriage.
Accountant Kathy Becker of Columbia, Maryland, believes that when you “get married, you get married, with all that it involves.” She and her husband of 5 years each have an adult child from prior marriages. “Everyone gets along great,” she reports. As for estate planning, Becker and her spouse decided to provide by will for each other, with a level of trust between them that each would be fair to the other’s child. “Today it’s hard to be sure you have enough for retirement and long-term care,” she says, “so unless the estate is bigger than ours, there’s not enough to even think about setting aside trusts for children.” But, of course, some larger estates require separate trusts or stronger plans; many CPAs advise couples to put financial agreements into prenuptial or carefully worded postmarital agreements.
“It seems that adult children are either really in favor of the later marriage, or really against it,” says John Abosch, a CPA and personal financial specialist and estate planner with Baltimore-based KAWG&F. Dealing with sophisticated clients, Abosch says that, at minimum, parties should look at the tax consequences of marriage along with the estate ramifications. “Written agreements, where both of the parties are represented and understand their rights, can prevent some of the current extended family distrust and family disputes that often arise.”
Among the issues that clients ask matrimonial lawyers to address include support in the event of death or divorce, property brought into the marriage, disposition of personal property, life insurance trusts, real estate ownership, medical directives, powers of attorney, and living wills. Family law attorney Liz Scheffee says that almost all of her older clients who contemplate a later remarriage have premarital agreements. The Portland, Maine, matrimonial lawyer notes that it’s “usually to protect the kids, and, perhaps, assure them as well.”
“The older gentlemen are more generous in negotiating prenups than the younger men,” Scheffee adds, “most likely because they already know what their future holds…if you get my drift.” In short, “there is less future to negotiate about, and the estate is a known quantity rather than a potential one. I find the premarital agreements for older people are more about estate planning and preserving each person’s asset base for the kids. For younger couples, the prenups are more about what happens on divorce rather than death.”
Yours, Mine, or Ours
High up on the checklist of issues for these later-in-life couples is housing, whether a spouse has died or individuals are moving out of an established postdivorce situation. For the Walds, the “your place or mine” question was easily resolved: Each sold homes, and the couple moved to Leisure World, an active retirement community outside of Washington, DC. “Everything that had belonged to their mother went to Jack’s children and grandchildren before we moved,” Shirley says. “I wanted them to know that their mother’s things were theirs.” Debbie and Scott solved the question by purchasing a home together along with an RV that has them spending the occasional weekend with family in tow. Patrick moved into Gloria’s residence, and they’ve discovered a new hobby: getting Patrick’s home ready to sell. Most weekends these days, says Gloria, “we are do-it-yourselfers: painting, carpeting. We’re doing it all.”
When one spouse moves into the other’s family home without receiving legal title, big questions can arise in the event of death or subsequent divorce. Without a prior written agreement of the parties, the divorce agreement – or, as a last resort, the courts – will have to stipulate who may remain on premises. If the marriage ends in death without wills, state law may address the resolution. A few states, in some instances, do grant a surviving spouse homestead rights for the remainder of his or her life. In other states, the parties who inherit the family home can decide whether the surviving spouse may remain – and under what terms – or must vacate.
Annette and Hal Kuntz celebrated their remarriage last year by buying a penthouse apartment in Texas. “We each sold our homes and sold, stored, gave away, or incorporated some of our furniture and furnishings.” Between her beach house and his ranches, which they kept, both were ready to give up the yard and the upkeep for a home in the city. “It has also been fun to find new items that we both like, says Annette, a family court judge, “making this home truly ‘ours.’ ” The biggest excitement came when the hot tub, delivered and placed by a helicopter, was set on their patio overlooking the Houston skyline.
Going for the Gold
Although the number of cohabiting senior citizens is on the increase, marriage in the golden years is still a welcome option to many. Research holds that married seniors are more likely to eat breakfast, wear seat belts, engage in physical activity, have their blood pressure checked, and avoid smoking than widowed elderly persons. The benefits of marriage tend to be more substantial for elderly men than for elderly women, according to a 1998 study by the Agency for Health Care Policy and Research (now the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality).
If Olympic medals were awarded to the couple best suited to represent the joys and benefits of remarriage in the senior years, then Jane and Albert Schleuter, now 84 and 80, respectively, would be in the running. The couple met several years ago down the hall from their apartments in the Charlestown Retirement Community, located in a Baltimore suburb. This past July, the Schleuters celebrated their fourth anniversary, squeezing a lunch celebration with family in between plans to work on the community’s Benevolent Care Foundation Treasure Sale, crab feasts, and dinner dates with friends.
Contradictions and laughter greet my question, How did you meet? “A friend introduced us at the elevator,” says Al. “That’s not right,” Jane quickly interrupts. “I was waiting for an elevator, and you walked right up and introduced yourself.”
On almost everything else, though, they seem to agree. As they dined frequently together, each talked about the lack of desire to remarry. After a little more than a year, when friends asked them to come along on a trip to Italy, Al popped the question. Jane said yes, without hesitation. “Our friends said they knew before we did that we’d marry,” she says. “We just always, from the start, held hands.”
Like a storybook, Al picked out Jane’s lavender wedding dress and she chose his new suit for the big day. They exchanged vows in the magnificent chapel Our Lady of the Angels on the 110-acre retirement community’s grounds. More than 80 guests celebrated with the couple, including most of their families: Jane has three children, five grandchildren, and six great-grandchildren; Al, who lost a son several years ago, has a surviving daughter, two grandchildren, and a great-grandchild. Jane and her sister made the six wedding cakes offered up at the reception.
Without a backward glance, Jane moved to Al’s apartment in the 2,000-member community. “It was larger,” he says. Jane’s family antiques and other furniture went to her children. “They would have gotten it someday, anyway,” Jane adds.
When it came to family members, encouragement from both sides was strong. “I called my children to say I’d met someone. They said, ‘Mom, you don’t have to tell us what you’re doing.’ Then I called to say I was going to Italy and got the same response. Finally, I said, ‘I want you to meet Al,’ and the response was ‘It’s about time.’ ”
Reluctant to give advice to others, both do agree that being able to talk easily to each other is a major consideration in choosing a partner. “Oh, yes,” Jane adds, “and holding hands.”
Former family court associate judge, reMarriage’s legal columnist Patricia J. Lasher, shuttles back and forth between homes in Houston, Texas, and Baltimore, Maryland.
Found at remarriagemag.com
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
How To Tell Your Ex About Your Remarriage
Unless There's Abuse, Let Former Spouse Know about Your Engagement
By KRYSTLE RUSSIN
A second marriage is the chance to redo everything again: the wedding of your dreams, celebrating a new life and not making the same mistakes as you did in your first marriage. But when someone gets remarried, is the hardest part planning your second wedding or telling your ex-spouse? The event is an awkward one - imagine having to tell someone you thought you'd spend a lifetime with that you've chosen someone else.
According to Dr. L. Martin Johnson in Honolulu, Hawaii, the first step is determining where your relationship with your ex-spouse stands. "That's gonna really vary with each individual. For instance, it'll be a very different situation if the former spouses are on good terms," Johnson says. "It'll be different if they parted by mutual agreement, or if the party now remarrying was the one who left versus the one who got left. All of those things come into play. What's important is the current kind of relationship between the two of them," he says.
"The other relevant variable is: are there kids? Have they been divorced for 10 years, or are they not in contact? If they're both parenting young kids and have only been divorced for 18 months? Generally, the closer the relationship is, not necessarily emotionally, but how involved you are in each others lives is what determines whether you should tell someone." Johnson says it is best that you tell your ex-spouse the news unless your first marriage has been extremely problematic or abusive. "The one exception to that would be if it was an abusive relationship,and you were the victim, in which case, hopefully, there's little or no contact anyway," he says.
Keep reading here on d360
By KRYSTLE RUSSIN
A second marriage is the chance to redo everything again: the wedding of your dreams, celebrating a new life and not making the same mistakes as you did in your first marriage. But when someone gets remarried, is the hardest part planning your second wedding or telling your ex-spouse? The event is an awkward one - imagine having to tell someone you thought you'd spend a lifetime with that you've chosen someone else.
According to Dr. L. Martin Johnson in Honolulu, Hawaii, the first step is determining where your relationship with your ex-spouse stands. "That's gonna really vary with each individual. For instance, it'll be a very different situation if the former spouses are on good terms," Johnson says. "It'll be different if they parted by mutual agreement, or if the party now remarrying was the one who left versus the one who got left. All of those things come into play. What's important is the current kind of relationship between the two of them," he says.
"The other relevant variable is: are there kids? Have they been divorced for 10 years, or are they not in contact? If they're both parenting young kids and have only been divorced for 18 months? Generally, the closer the relationship is, not necessarily emotionally, but how involved you are in each others lives is what determines whether you should tell someone." Johnson says it is best that you tell your ex-spouse the news unless your first marriage has been extremely problematic or abusive. "The one exception to that would be if it was an abusive relationship,and you were the victim, in which case, hopefully, there's little or no contact anyway," he says.
Keep reading here on d360
Friday, January 22, 2010
Are You A Good Step Parent?
Being A Good Step-Parent, Hard But Not Impossible
- When marrying into an already-established family, how can you get your new spouse's kids to like you, without being a pushover?
Sometimes we forget that there are other people involved when a couple gets divorced, especially if that couple has kids. When one member of that couple remarries, there gets introduced into everyone's life something completely different than what existed before, which can't be easy on anyone.
I have a friend who just recently became a stepmother. It can be a hard job - you don't want to encroach on boundaries; you want to get close but not invade privacies. The do's and dont's of step-parenting are hard to pin down: how do you know what to do? Should you discipline them? Spoil them? Neither? Both?
I asked around. According to the step-parents I know, it's important - at the very beginning - to be neither the child's best friend, nor their worst enemy. You are not that child's parent. Assuming you dated your spouse for awhile, and the child has gotten to know you, there's nothing wrong with kind trivialties, but know that a marriage to someone does not create a magical step-child/step-parent relationship overnight.
The most difficult thing is that you constantly feel like you are not the most important thing in your spouse's life, their child is. That can put a damper on things. What happens if you get into a disagreement? What happens if THEY get into a disagreement? The possible problems are endless, but so are the possible solutions.
A friend of mine whose blog I read every day often writes about how her family consisted of one mother and one father and some siblings, and now she has two mothers, two fathers, and even more siblings. Her parents got divorced and each remarried - each to someone with kids. The idea of "one big happy family" doesn't have to be a myth. It can happen, if you know your place.
My advice? Use your spouse as a guide. See how he/she feels your place in their child's life should progress. That way, you'll know that you're never stepping on toes.
(Is anyone here a step-parent? Share your story with us, and give hope to other would-be or soon-to-be step-parents that happiness isn't impossible!)
Found this at d360.com
- When marrying into an already-established family, how can you get your new spouse's kids to like you, without being a pushover?
Sometimes we forget that there are other people involved when a couple gets divorced, especially if that couple has kids. When one member of that couple remarries, there gets introduced into everyone's life something completely different than what existed before, which can't be easy on anyone.
I have a friend who just recently became a stepmother. It can be a hard job - you don't want to encroach on boundaries; you want to get close but not invade privacies. The do's and dont's of step-parenting are hard to pin down: how do you know what to do? Should you discipline them? Spoil them? Neither? Both?
I asked around. According to the step-parents I know, it's important - at the very beginning - to be neither the child's best friend, nor their worst enemy. You are not that child's parent. Assuming you dated your spouse for awhile, and the child has gotten to know you, there's nothing wrong with kind trivialties, but know that a marriage to someone does not create a magical step-child/step-parent relationship overnight.
The most difficult thing is that you constantly feel like you are not the most important thing in your spouse's life, their child is. That can put a damper on things. What happens if you get into a disagreement? What happens if THEY get into a disagreement? The possible problems are endless, but so are the possible solutions.
A friend of mine whose blog I read every day often writes about how her family consisted of one mother and one father and some siblings, and now she has two mothers, two fathers, and even more siblings. Her parents got divorced and each remarried - each to someone with kids. The idea of "one big happy family" doesn't have to be a myth. It can happen, if you know your place.
My advice? Use your spouse as a guide. See how he/she feels your place in their child's life should progress. That way, you'll know that you're never stepping on toes.
(Is anyone here a step-parent? Share your story with us, and give hope to other would-be or soon-to-be step-parents that happiness isn't impossible!)
Found this at d360.com
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Divorce & Biology?
Cinderella is thirteen... and all that that implies people!
That should be enough to explain the current challenges and changes to the dynamics of our relationship.
(Oh and what changes there are! Someone should have warned me that the aliens would snatch her up in the middle of the night and replace her with a snarky, lazy drone with horrible B.O. matched only by her sense of fashion. GAH!)
Our relationship has turned a corner. A blind corner that I am sure any BIOLOGICAL parent would have recognized but one that took me weeks to realize and stop second-guessing my parenting of her. (Yes, after 10+ years of being a Stepmom, I still do this. *sigh*)
I am not Cindy's BioMom and the sad truth of that fact was recently (and quite cleverly) exploited by my darling as she turned weeks of her own idleness and disrespectfulness into a shitstorm nightmare that involved her law guardian, school counselor and threats of CPS being called.
I SHIT YOU NOT.
Weeks of asking her to "please do your chores" and "please don't speak to me that way" led to that straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back moment that every parent experiences at least once a MILLION times in their lifetime.
(You know the one where you head spins around 360 degrees and your brain explodes and you say things like "wipe that smirk off your face or I will wipe it off for you" but in my case it was equating her sour-puss to a plate I knocked off the table and that subsequently broke?) (Oh YES. I. DID.)
I'm not proud. I stumbled as we all do. And, as we all must do, I admitted my mistake, apologized and moved on.
Did you know that Cinderella has a law guardian?
Uh-huh. Yep. She does.
This law guardian was put in place to protect her from visitation/custody issues between her mother and Dad. We've encouraged her frequently to call the LG if she felt she needed to and could not speak to any of us about it.
Well...
Guess what? SHE DID.
Uh-huh. Yep.
From her MOTHER'S the NEXT DAY during her scheduled 3 hour mid-week visitation. And she related the story of our exchange as only a thirteen year old drama queen can.
"I'm afraid to go home, can I sleep over at Mom's?"
Keep reading at Wicked Stepmom
That should be enough to explain the current challenges and changes to the dynamics of our relationship.
(Oh and what changes there are! Someone should have warned me that the aliens would snatch her up in the middle of the night and replace her with a snarky, lazy drone with horrible B.O. matched only by her sense of fashion. GAH!)
Our relationship has turned a corner. A blind corner that I am sure any BIOLOGICAL parent would have recognized but one that took me weeks to realize and stop second-guessing my parenting of her. (Yes, after 10+ years of being a Stepmom, I still do this. *sigh*)
I am not Cindy's BioMom and the sad truth of that fact was recently (and quite cleverly) exploited by my darling as she turned weeks of her own idleness and disrespectfulness into a shitstorm nightmare that involved her law guardian, school counselor and threats of CPS being called.
I SHIT YOU NOT.
Weeks of asking her to "please do your chores" and "please don't speak to me that way" led to that straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back moment that every parent experiences at least once a MILLION times in their lifetime.
(You know the one where you head spins around 360 degrees and your brain explodes and you say things like "wipe that smirk off your face or I will wipe it off for you" but in my case it was equating her sour-puss to a plate I knocked off the table and that subsequently broke?) (Oh YES. I. DID.)
I'm not proud. I stumbled as we all do. And, as we all must do, I admitted my mistake, apologized and moved on.
Did you know that Cinderella has a law guardian?
Uh-huh. Yep. She does.
This law guardian was put in place to protect her from visitation/custody issues between her mother and Dad. We've encouraged her frequently to call the LG if she felt she needed to and could not speak to any of us about it.
Well...
Guess what? SHE DID.
Uh-huh. Yep.
From her MOTHER'S the NEXT DAY during her scheduled 3 hour mid-week visitation. And she related the story of our exchange as only a thirteen year old drama queen can.
"I'm afraid to go home, can I sleep over at Mom's?"
Keep reading at Wicked Stepmom
Divorce & Biolgy?
Cinderella is thirteen... and all that that implies people!
That should be enough to explain the current challenges and changes to the dynamics of our relationship.
(Oh and what changes there are! Someone should have warned me that the aliens would snatch her up in the middle of the night and replace her with a snarky, lazy drone with horrible B.O. matched only by her sense of fashion. GAH!)
Our relationship has turned a corner. A blind corner that I am sure any BIOLOGICAL parent would have recognized but one that took me weeks to realize and stop second-guessing my parenting of her. (Yes, after 10+ years of being a Stepmom, I still do this. *sigh*)
I am not Cindy's BioMom and the sad truth of that fact was recently (and quite cleverly) exploited by my darling as she turned weeks of her own idleness and disrespectfulness into a shitstorm nightmare that involved her law guardian, school counselor and threats of CPS being called.
I SHIT YOU NOT.
Weeks of asking her to "please do your chores" and "please don't speak to me that way" led to that straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back moment that every parent experiences at least once a MILLION times in their lifetime.
(You know the one where you head spins around 360 degrees and your brain explodes and you say things like "wipe that smirk off your face or I will wipe it off for you" but in my case it was equating her sour-puss to a plate I knocked off the table and that subsequently broke?) (Oh YES. I. DID.)
I'm not proud. I stumbled as we all do. And, as we all must do, I admitted my mistake, apologized and moved on.
Did you know that Cinderella has a law guardian?
Uh-huh. Yep. She does.
This law guardian was put in place to protect her from visitation/custody issues between her mother and Dad. We've encouraged her frequently to call the LG if she felt she needed to and could not speak to any of us about it.
Well...
Guess what? SHE DID.
Uh-huh. Yep.
From her MOTHER'S the NEXT DAY during her scheduled 3 hour mid-week visitation. And she related the story of our exchange as only a thirteen year old drama queen can.
"I'm afraid to go home, can I sleep over at Mom's?"
Keep reading at Wicked Stepmom
That should be enough to explain the current challenges and changes to the dynamics of our relationship.
(Oh and what changes there are! Someone should have warned me that the aliens would snatch her up in the middle of the night and replace her with a snarky, lazy drone with horrible B.O. matched only by her sense of fashion. GAH!)
Our relationship has turned a corner. A blind corner that I am sure any BIOLOGICAL parent would have recognized but one that took me weeks to realize and stop second-guessing my parenting of her. (Yes, after 10+ years of being a Stepmom, I still do this. *sigh*)
I am not Cindy's BioMom and the sad truth of that fact was recently (and quite cleverly) exploited by my darling as she turned weeks of her own idleness and disrespectfulness into a shitstorm nightmare that involved her law guardian, school counselor and threats of CPS being called.
I SHIT YOU NOT.
Weeks of asking her to "please do your chores" and "please don't speak to me that way" led to that straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back moment that every parent experiences at least once a MILLION times in their lifetime.
(You know the one where you head spins around 360 degrees and your brain explodes and you say things like "wipe that smirk off your face or I will wipe it off for you" but in my case it was equating her sour-puss to a plate I knocked off the table and that subsequently broke?) (Oh YES. I. DID.)
I'm not proud. I stumbled as we all do. And, as we all must do, I admitted my mistake, apologized and moved on.
Did you know that Cinderella has a law guardian?
Uh-huh. Yep. She does.
This law guardian was put in place to protect her from visitation/custody issues between her mother and Dad. We've encouraged her frequently to call the LG if she felt she needed to and could not speak to any of us about it.
Well...
Guess what? SHE DID.
Uh-huh. Yep.
From her MOTHER'S the NEXT DAY during her scheduled 3 hour mid-week visitation. And she related the story of our exchange as only a thirteen year old drama queen can.
"I'm afraid to go home, can I sleep over at Mom's?"
Keep reading at Wicked Stepmom
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Stepmoms & Moms
Found this great piece over at Stepmothers Milk:
Guest Blogger: Laura Allard of Stepmoms Rock
And now for a perspective shift… Moms dealing with the Step Mom of their children…
Important Note: There are a lot of things at play here, not the least of which is going to be the dispositions of the Mom and Step Mom in question. This post is written with the hope of reaching the hearts of both women while encouraging the idea of working from a place of love and compassion for all involved.
For Moms out there looking for ideas on how to manage a decent and respectful relationship with the Step Mom of your children, the new wife of your ex husband, please do keep this in mind…however you choose to behave and whatever course of action you decide to embark upon, the people who are going to be affected the most are the little ones with small voices…your own precious and adoring children.
This is truly where separation of relationships is key. And of course, there are many different scenarios and reasons for why you are all in the situation you’re in, however, at the end of the day, the adults in this mess should be able to practice a high level of self management and understand that they have to make the best of things while the children still do play an integral role in all your lives.
Marriages end. And new ones begin. Each situation offers the opportunity for new beginnings.
Step Moms…it is incumbent upon us to understand the perspective of the Mom of your new Step Kids (insert gasp), however, make no mistake, just because her bad behavior might be understandable does not mean it is acceptable. At the end of the day, she gets why her marriage failed, she just may not be ready to face the realities of her husband’s new marriage because, well, it stings, and reminds her of what she perceives to be a huge failure in her life. Give her the benefit of the doubt, acting from a place of compassion and keeping the best interest of your new family in mind. You aren’t going to have to contend with her for a lifetime as the distance between you progressively gets larger as the kids grow and wander. Cut her a little slack.
Remember…. she is a woman with a bit of a broken heart who needs time to mend and find her own way…this can go on for years, but it is her own life she is making miserable by not taking the opportunity she has been granted for a little reinvention. It’s a sad state really, for women who remain bitter and cannot move past their divorces, but their choice just the same, so don’t bear their burden, OK?
Moms… you are and forever more will remain the core of your children’s lives. Don’t play with their tender little hearts by waging war on a situation they are going to have challenges navigating through themselves. Your ex-husband’s new wife came along far after the problems in your marriage began. If you need to take someone to task for the situation at hand, dole out the blame equally between your husband, and yourself…just do it out of ear shot of your children. Don’t forget, they have been witness to the demise of your marriage, offer them a little peace and quiet by keeping them out of the line of fire. AND, and this is a big AND, as tough as it might seem, each and every day offers you the opportunity for a new start.
Remember the line from Mama Mia, “Time for a little repair and renovation…”
Make this your new mantra and spend some time doing what’s right for YOU now. Your kids will be so proud to see Mom in a new light, Happy Mom, Surviving Mom….all you have to do is make the choice to make it so. This choice will make it so much easier for you to manage this new level of relationships in your life. You’ll have greater confidence in yourself and it will show in all you do! Take advantage of this time to heal, to reclaim YOU and have a blast doing it…that’s the best possible way to figure out how to handle the new Step Mom of your kids…by being the best YOU you can be!
To both Women…. Just Be Nice. Seriously. Your behavior sets a standard the kids you now share will aspire to…good or bad…consider what you want them to take away from all this, and act accordingly. Be good to one another.
Laura Allard, creator of the Blog Step Moms Rock and the soon to be released line of cards for Step Families “StepSpeak” . Laura is in her 8th year as a Step Mom of 3 and 12th year as a Step Daughter… aka DOFM (Daughter of the First Marriage). Laura’s perspective in this big old mess comes from a place of love, compassion, and empowerment, hoping to reach the heart and soul of the Single Girl turned New Step Mom before she loses her mind.
Guest Blogger: Laura Allard of Stepmoms Rock
And now for a perspective shift… Moms dealing with the Step Mom of their children…
Important Note: There are a lot of things at play here, not the least of which is going to be the dispositions of the Mom and Step Mom in question. This post is written with the hope of reaching the hearts of both women while encouraging the idea of working from a place of love and compassion for all involved.
For Moms out there looking for ideas on how to manage a decent and respectful relationship with the Step Mom of your children, the new wife of your ex husband, please do keep this in mind…however you choose to behave and whatever course of action you decide to embark upon, the people who are going to be affected the most are the little ones with small voices…your own precious and adoring children.
This is truly where separation of relationships is key. And of course, there are many different scenarios and reasons for why you are all in the situation you’re in, however, at the end of the day, the adults in this mess should be able to practice a high level of self management and understand that they have to make the best of things while the children still do play an integral role in all your lives.
Marriages end. And new ones begin. Each situation offers the opportunity for new beginnings.
Step Moms…it is incumbent upon us to understand the perspective of the Mom of your new Step Kids (insert gasp), however, make no mistake, just because her bad behavior might be understandable does not mean it is acceptable. At the end of the day, she gets why her marriage failed, she just may not be ready to face the realities of her husband’s new marriage because, well, it stings, and reminds her of what she perceives to be a huge failure in her life. Give her the benefit of the doubt, acting from a place of compassion and keeping the best interest of your new family in mind. You aren’t going to have to contend with her for a lifetime as the distance between you progressively gets larger as the kids grow and wander. Cut her a little slack.
Remember…. she is a woman with a bit of a broken heart who needs time to mend and find her own way…this can go on for years, but it is her own life she is making miserable by not taking the opportunity she has been granted for a little reinvention. It’s a sad state really, for women who remain bitter and cannot move past their divorces, but their choice just the same, so don’t bear their burden, OK?
Moms… you are and forever more will remain the core of your children’s lives. Don’t play with their tender little hearts by waging war on a situation they are going to have challenges navigating through themselves. Your ex-husband’s new wife came along far after the problems in your marriage began. If you need to take someone to task for the situation at hand, dole out the blame equally between your husband, and yourself…just do it out of ear shot of your children. Don’t forget, they have been witness to the demise of your marriage, offer them a little peace and quiet by keeping them out of the line of fire. AND, and this is a big AND, as tough as it might seem, each and every day offers you the opportunity for a new start.
Remember the line from Mama Mia, “Time for a little repair and renovation…”
Make this your new mantra and spend some time doing what’s right for YOU now. Your kids will be so proud to see Mom in a new light, Happy Mom, Surviving Mom….all you have to do is make the choice to make it so. This choice will make it so much easier for you to manage this new level of relationships in your life. You’ll have greater confidence in yourself and it will show in all you do! Take advantage of this time to heal, to reclaim YOU and have a blast doing it…that’s the best possible way to figure out how to handle the new Step Mom of your kids…by being the best YOU you can be!
To both Women…. Just Be Nice. Seriously. Your behavior sets a standard the kids you now share will aspire to…good or bad…consider what you want them to take away from all this, and act accordingly. Be good to one another.
Laura Allard, creator of the Blog Step Moms Rock and the soon to be released line of cards for Step Families “StepSpeak” . Laura is in her 8th year as a Step Mom of 3 and 12th year as a Step Daughter… aka DOFM (Daughter of the First Marriage). Laura’s perspective in this big old mess comes from a place of love, compassion, and empowerment, hoping to reach the heart and soul of the Single Girl turned New Step Mom before she loses her mind.
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