What do kids really think of remarriages?

Remarriage: Children Usually Not as Happy about Remarriage as Adults


By CLARE HEICKLEN


No matter what the age through adulthood, children make room for extended families. The toughest obstacle for children in the sense of loss, and how well they have processed the loss. While remarriage may be an exciting time for the adults, children don’t share in the enthusiasm. Most parents are sensitive to the child’s needs but perplexed by the response. Here’s why…

Younger children tend to blend easier and respond better to new marriages. Only children welcome having new step siblings if warmly welcomed. Adolescents go through a variety of stages, to being resistant, rejecting, or ignoring warmth from new stepparents. However, remember, adolescents can be challenging, and vie for independence without remarriage issues. They do, however, seem more welcoming to step siblings. Also, adolescents who are closer to leaving home tend to be more open to the stepparent.

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Ex Is TOO Involved.....Help?

What Can I Do to Stop My Husband's Ex-Wife from Coming Between Me and His Son?


By LISA COHN


Dear Lisa:

My husband has two children from a previous marriage. We now have custody of one of them, his son. His son and I are extremely close, and his ex-wife hates this. She will do anything to stop this, including lie to her children about me. I feel so alone at times because I feel that his ex runs the show. My husband gives in to her every whim because he doesn’t want to cause friction. On the one hand, I can see where he is coming from. However, when she is interfering with my personal life, I wish he would stick up for me more. That hurts me the most. She will call and say the stupidest things because she knows she can get to me. She leaves nasty, vile messages on my cell phone. I just can’t ignore it anymore when she is berating me and putting me down in front of my stepson.

I have such a great relationship with my stepson, and I am scared of her coming between us. He is young and very impressionable. We try to limit their conversations, because we feel she only makes things harder for him. She is trying to use that in a custody case now (She is trying to change our custody arrangement). Usually his conversations with her end with him crying. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

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What? Really? No Chores For Kids?

Q.
Each time my husband’s daughter comes to visit, it’s a fight. We live in another state and she stays with us for months at a time during her school vacations. With Spring Break coming up I’m anticipating yet another problem. For example, during her last visit I asked her clean her bathroom.Her father overheard me and chastised me for asking her to do chores when she’s visiting. He’s very protective of her and likes her to relax when she is with us. But, we can’t assign chores to those who live with us and not to those who live here part of the time.That doesn’t seem fair. What do you think?







A.
Well you can, but we predict your family will break into factions—your side against his side—and, if that is the case, be prepared for the possibility of another divorce.It’s rare once family members take sides that the stepfamily stays in tact.


Non-custodial parents are often afraid if things are too tough around the house, their child will not want to return.We aren’t trying to paint the ultimate picture of doom.You can save it, but it’s going to take some backtracking and sincere dedication to the commitment your husband and you have made. This is when many say, “Of course, we are committed to each other. We got married!” But, that commitment often wanes when mom or dad thinks their child is being singled out or picked on.


The key word in your husband’s exclamation is visiting. Non-custodial parents are often afraid if things are too tough around the house, their child will not want to return. So, to ensure his daughter will want to come back, your husband likes her to feel like it’s a vacation when she comes to see him.It’s not uncommon in situations like this that parents start trying to bribe their kids with puppies or new bikes or the newest version of Rock Band in the hopes that the new stuff will keep them coming back. In his defense, he’s trying his best, but what he’s doing creates problems on many different fronts. First, his relationship with his daughter can stay stuck in the “visiting” mode and not progress to the deep father/daughter relationship we are sure both would like. Second, the obvious favoritism can cause animosity between your husband and the other children in the home, and between siblings as well. The other kids will reject her because they perceive that Dad likes her best, and they will reject him for the same reason. So by acting as you describe your husband is actually sabotaging his relationship with everyone—including his daughter--by openly favoring her. Best thing you can do at this point is get on the same page with Dad. Establish rules and treat all like family, and dad might look into counseling to help him conquer his insecurities associated with being a non-custodial parent.

Source: BonusFamilies.com

Getting Remarried?

Whether it's your first marriage and you are marrying someone who is divorced with children, or trying to balance warring divorced parents while planning your own wedding, there are lots of questions that come up when organizing a blended family wedding.
If you have a link to suggest, email it to info@thestepfamilylife.com.

A FEW GREAT LINKS

The Knot.Com
This was my personal favorite website when I planned my wedding. Typing "second wedding" in the search engine got more than 100 links. They also have some great Q&A responses for brides and grooms trying to iron out how to involve both biological parents and stepparents in weddings - including seating arrangements, recognition, etc.

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Detaching?

My Detachment Story
by Morgan Miles

For the last three years, she would cry and have anxiety when my husband picked her up. When I entered his life and her life, she was super excited to come and visit. She would hop happily from car to car. We never did anything real special, but I did the normal stuff I would do with my godchild and other children I had been around like the children’s museum, the mall, circus, etc.

When I think back to those times, five years ago, so much has changed. It turns out not every bio-mother is excited when a stepmom comes into the picture. It turns out that Parental Alienation Syndrome is alive and thriving in divorced families. And it turns out that I am not as perfect of a stepmom as I thought.

I swooped in on my angel wings; I was going to fix everything. My husband and his ex-wife would figure out that being friends would be so much better for their daughter. I would attend all the school meetings and doctor’s appointments because they would all want my opinion, because I am the stepmom. I would attend all the visitation pick-ups and drop-offs because my stepdaughter would want to see me. And most of all I would control the environment here at our house and help my husband raise his daughter while she was here for visitation. I would make everything better.

Does any of that sound familiar?

Unfortunately, my good intentions turned out to be the worst situation for my husband and his daughter. And eventually, everything I was doing that I thought would make things better, made it worse little by little until everything fell apart. I have had to reconstruct a relationship with my husband. I am still working on a relationship with my step-daughter. And I now have my own daughter to think about as well.

I had an attachment to my step-daughter and her mother that was completely irrational and unhealthy. I believed if I tried as hard as her biological mother, my step-daughter would love and respect me just the same. It was not until the bottom fell out of my relationships with the people I loved and I realized that you cannot reason with an irrational person, that none of my intentions were good.

I had to detach. I had to come to the realization that my detachment need are because of something I have thought about or done and not someone else. I had to find the inner strength to overcome my attachment to attain a better perspective on our step-life situation.

I have learned many painful lessons: My husband and my step-daughter do not need me. They had a great relationship before I came along and will continue to have one regardless of whether or not I am here. I am not my step-daughter’s mother, nor can I be a replacement for her mother. My step-daughter does not need another mother, she needs another friend. I cannot fix anything related to my husband’s previous marriage. It is just that, HIS previous marriage. And finally, there is nothing I can do or say to make my husband be a dad, or his ex-wife a mother. They chose to procreate, it was their decision to have a baby and get married, what on earth made me think this was my responsibility.

What have I gained from these realizations?

Peace. It does not sound like much, but it is everything. I could continue to have panic attacks over visitation, whether my house was clean enough, whether I had enough food, if my step-daughter was going to cry at the pick-up or drop-off. I could continue to compete with my husband’s ex-wife and buy better clothing for my family, continue to purchase newer and more expensive vehicles, show up to school meetings and court dates with more paperwork I had spent hours on just so I could hear a teacher, or a judge, or a doctor say, “You are not her mother.” And breakdown in the car time after time.

Instead, I found peace. I detached from the drama of an ex-wife, the discipline problems of a child that is not mine, planning activity after activity when it was not appreciated and most of all trying to be someone else’s mom. I am now at peace with myself.

I am not perfect, far from it. But I do love my family. I do love my life. I don’t need to be living someone else’s life; I need to be living my own. I have let life pass me by for the past 2 years, consumed with hate, hurt and betrayal. All of which, was my fault and I could have prevented by detaching myself.

There is no love loss between me and my step-daughter, in fact there is an ease of communication now. I am no longer the enemy, I am the friend. My husband, he doesn’t know all of what I have gone through, but he understands where I am with myself and he recognizes the peace between me and his daughter. My own daughter, she benefits from a mother who is no longer anxious, stressed and compulsive about her house, clothing and appearance.

Detachment is not about punishment. Detachment is not about a love loss between you and your husband or his kids. Detachment is personal. It is taking back control of your own life. Detachment is finding a way to make positive changes and impacts in your family and your own life.


Source: SecondWivesCafe.com

20 Ideas For The Long Distance Dad

20 ACTIVITIES FOR
LONG-DISTANCE DADS TO DO WITH THEIR KIDS

Article courtesy of Dads at a Distance
1. Go to the mall and have a photo of yourself put on a pillow case and then send it to your child. If you have a favorite cologne you might want to put a little bit on the pillowcase to remind your child of you.

2. Purchase or make stickers of your child's name and stick them over the names of a character in one of their favorite books. You can also get a picture of your child's face and place it over the character's face.

3. Make a video and/or audio tape of you reading bedtime stories. Send them to your child along with the book.

4. Arrange for flowers, pizza, etc. to be delivered to your child before or after a special even (a play, recital, sports game). Include a note telling them how proud you are of their accomplishment.

5. Send a package containing all the things your granchild will need if he or she gets sick. For example, you could send a can of chicken noodle soup, a special blanket or pillowcase, a video or audio tape wishing them a speedy recovery, crossword puzzles, a stuffed animal, etc.

6. Send home a photo documentary of what you do all day when you are away. Be sure to include things like what you eat, how you travel, etc. Things that you might think are boring, your kids will be very interested in seeing. Have your child do the same.

7. Have a star officially named after your child. Call 1-800-282-333.

8. Send a postcard attack. (Send a postcard everyday for a week straight, try to send postcards from unique places).

9. If both you and your child have access to cell phones, then go fishing with them from a distance.

10. Try including surprises in with the letters: fast food wrappers, foreign currency, pencil shavings, coasters, Band-Aids, your own art, flower petals, Sunday comics, sand, fortunes from cookies, newspaper clippings, stamps, old shoe laces, or crumbs from breakfast to show you were thinking of them.

11. If both you and your child have access to the internet, then go on a virtual field trip together. Be sure to use a free program like AOL Instant Message so you can communicate with each other while looking at the webpages. A couple of places to start would be NASA or PBS.

12. Find unique things to write your letters on, for example: things your child likes -- favorite color of paper, stickers, or pictures of things they like. Fun objects -- coaster, napkins, paper tray liners at restaurants, barf bags, old handkerchiefs, pictures of you, or of favorite spots. Paper cut into special shapes ( holiday shapes like shamrocks or hearts). Puzzles (cut your finished letter into pieces, try sending one piece at a time).

13. Send home some money so that your child can go to the ice cream parlor. Be sure to send a special letter along that can only be read at the ice cream parlor. If you both have access to cell phones then you can both be at a ice cream parlor talking over your ice cream.

14. Write a news letter (have a regular issue of your own family newsletter with columns about each child, family events, exciting news etc.).

15. If your child does not already have access to a speaker phone then buy one. Set the phone in the middle of the room, and you will be able to have dinner with them, be there as they brush their teeth and get ready for bed, etc.

16. Start a letter and take it with you throughout the day. Add a sentence every now and then and be sure to add where you are when you write the different sentences - i.e. an elevator, taxi, café, etc.

17. Play Internet games together like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune, both of which can be found at sony.com. Other games that can be found on the Internet include golf, card games, chess, checkers, Sim City, strategy games etc...

18. Make a package that contains cookie cutters and the non-perishable ingredients of your child's favorite cookie so you can "help" them bake while you are away.

19. Choose a photo from your photo album that you can send to your child and then write a letter explaining the events surrounding it. Also if both you and your child have access to the internet. I recommend that you have a family home page. One free resource that I recommend is iVillage.com member websites which enables you to build a free web site you can use as cyber-family central.

20. Begin a Life's Lessons Booklet. Each week write down a few of the lessons you've learned in life and how you learned those lessons. When the booklet is full, send it to your child to use as he or she begins or continues the journey of life

A few years ago H. Jackson Brown Jr. sat down at a type writer and began a list of lessons that he had learned in life to share with his son, who was going off to college. He writes, "I read years ago that it was not the responsibility of parents to pave the road for their children, but to provide a road map." A few days after his son had received the gift he called and told his dad, "Dad, I've been reading the instruction book and I think it's one of the best gifts I've ever received. I'm going to add to it and someday give it to my son."

One Additional Free Activity
Before you leave home next time, hide some treasure (notes of appreciation, videos of you reading stories, candy, toys, etc.) around the house. Be sure to draw a treasure map of where you have hidden these things. Then mail it home. If your child has a portable phone, then you can talk to them and give hints as they hunt for the treasure. If you are not living with your child you can still do this activity by mailing the treasures ahead of time to the person who is taking care of your child.

Article Courtesy of Dads At A Distance

Copyright © 2001 by The National Long Distance Relationship Building Institute. All Rights Reserved.

This Article is based on 20 Activities For Long-Distance Dads To Do With Their Kids

Source: CaliforniaDivorce.info

Friends & Steps

It started out with an email message. Four years ago I moved back to Washington, DC after getting married and became a stepmom to three kids.

I sent out some email messages to let old friends and acquaintances know I was back and about my new life as a stepmom. I wasn’t expecting much to happen. One of those acquaintances suggested I contact a friend of hers who lived nearby. Like me, she was a new stepmom with teens and worked in public relations as a consultant.

We traded emails – and then Susan and I met for coffee to talk. We talked for three hours about our stepchildren, our marriages, and trying to balance the demands of families and careers. More coffees soon followed.

In Susan, I found someone who understood the emotional roller coaster ride of childless stepmom-hood. It meant a lot to know that someone else knew what it really meant to be a stepmom – and that I wasn’t crazy or even bad for having some of the feelings I was having – they were normal. She didn’t judge me when I expressed frustration about my stepchildren or my husband – and rejoiced with me in a success. I don’t think we’ve ever actually solved any problems – but I do know that we both have felt understood – and that has meant a lot to both of us.

We introduced our husbands to each other, and it was like seeing two long-lost relatives rediscover each other. They were instantly bosom buddies. For the past two summers, we’ve even taken vacations together – staying in a big house on the Georgia coastline to bask in the sun and sand.

When stepmoms in trouble contact me through my website and ask for advice, one thing I often suggest is that they find a stepmom friend to talk to. Let’s face it – you can talk to a lot of people about life as a stepparent – your mother, your sister, your single friends, your happily married ones – but it’s rare to find someone who understands stepfamily dynamics. You either need someone who has lived it, or a counselor or therapist who trained in it.

And there’s scientific research to support the value of friendships among women. Scientists believe that hanging out with our friends may actually calm us and relieve our distress. UCLA researchers found in a study on women and stress, that women “tend and be-friend” when facing a hostile situation.

The UCLA study was revolutionary. For more than fifty years, stress management researchers had focused predominantly on men - and posited mainly a “fight or flight” theory to explain how humans react to stress.

Instead, the researchers found that women have a broader range of behavior available to them when under stress because our brains emit oxytocin, a hormone that urges us to turn to others when under stress, not head for high ground. Women under stress focus on nurturing behavior and turn their efforts toward building social networks. This behavior releases more oxytocin and produces a calming effect.

It’s no small wonder that stepmoms can find so much comfort in friendship. When Susan and I sip coffee and talk about our families – it’s not a flight out of my marriage or my family life. It’s a step toward getting back to OK so I can walk back into my family with strength and grace.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at thestepfamilylife.com.
Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.
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Source: TheStepfamilyLife.com